


Everything sucks anyways

by dingdongdash



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Lee Chan | Dino-centric, confusing but itll make sense soon, depresso stuff beware, performance team got kidnapped au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingdongdash/pseuds/dingdongdash
Summary: Everyone just wants Chan to be okay.
Relationships: i dont think so tbh
Comments: 52
Kudos: 194





	1. Chapter 1

To be totally honest. Jeonghan wasn't very sure why he was here. He hadn't called ahead and seen if it would be bothersome for him to show up unannounced, but. Here he was. He'd snuck out of the dorm and taken an Uber to the hospital without telling anyone. Made his way through the hospital with the hope that the baseball cap and face mask would cover his face just enough for no one to recognize him and fill in the dots. The last thing anyone needed was for the fans and public to find out which hospital Chan was being treated. He shuddered at the idea of some weird saesang creeping in and doing who knows what.

Jeonghan knocked on the hospital room door and waited less than half a second before entering, well aware of how anxious Chan got when he didn't know who was there.

Jeonghan pulled down the face mask and pulled the baseball cap off as soon as he was safely inside. "Surprise!" He announced with accompanying jazz hands. Chan had a hand clenched over his heart in shock. Jeonghan swallowed, hoping he hadn't made a huge mistake and just caused Chan a panic attack. "It's your favorite hyung!"

Chan, for his part, recovered over his shock fairly quickly, holding out his unbroken arm for a very brief, very quick, very uncomfortable, very stiff hug.

"Hey," Jeonghan said softly. He wanted to reach for Chan's hand, wanted to hold it, but Jun and Minghao had already warned them to not try to touch him. Chan would take or ask for attention if he wanted it. He hovered by Chan's bedside, hands folding themselves across his chest instead. "How are you feeling?"

Chan pushed his lips into a small smile, already reaching for the pencil and notepad by his bed. Jeonghan watched with quiet fondness as Chan carefully and slowly wrote out the letters. Chan nudged him when he was done, passing over the small notepad and waiting for Jeonghan's response. Jeonghan read it over and blinked fast, doing his best to stop from crying _. I missed you_ , it said in Chan's endearingly scraggly handwriting. He'd really improved at writing with his nondominant hand. "I missed you too," Jeonghan said slowly. "But did you miss me the most out of everyone else?" he asked, voice lilting teasingly.

To his surprise, Chan only nodded solemly instead of getting annoyed like he used to. _I needed help but_ , he started to write then violently scratched it out with the pencil until the words couldn't be seen anymore. Jeonghan watched on in concern as the lead got worn down and the paper tore, but Chan still didn't stop. He only stopped when Jeonghan cautiously placed one hand on top of Chan's. Chan turned to stare at Jeonghan, eyes glassy and unfocused. 

"It's okay, Channie," Jeonghan said reassuringly. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you before, but now I will. We all will."

Chan continued to stare at him, before his eyes dropped back to his paper. He finally picked up the pencil and wrote something on two not-ruined sheets of paper, tilting the notepad so Jeonghan couldn't see then ripped the sheets out and handed them to him.

Jeonghan swallowed, staring at the words.

_Fucking liar. Leave._

Jeonghan got to his feet, tucking the notes into his pocket. He wanted to save them for some reason that he couldn't understand. Maybe so that he could read the piercing words over and over again as a sort of self-punishment. After all, if he'd stayed up to make sure their van had come back, he could've noticed that they were taking way too long. He could've called them, or the company, or the police, or done _something_ instead of going straight to bed like an 80-year old idiot. Jeonghan was almost completely out of the door when he heard the sound of paper tearing, then being crumpled up, then the sound of a ball of paper falling close to his feet. He looked up at Chan who was staring resolutely at the TV on the wall even though nothing was playing. Jeonghan picked it up and unraveled it, sighing in relief when he saw the small _I'm sorry,_ the even smaller _I love you_ and the even smaller _Please don't leave hyung._

Jeonghan decided not to address it since some things don't need addressing and instead made his way back over to the armchair and sat down with a plop. "Aren't you bored staying here all day?" Chan nodded. "Do you want the TV on?" he asked, frowning when he saw that the remote had been placed all the way across the room even though Chan hadn't been cleared to get up yet. He didn't even have his phone or access to the Internet, since his doctor had suggested it would probably be better for his mental health to not be exposed to that yet.

Chan shook his head.

Jeonghan couldn't lie. It was a little bit awkward trying to figure out what to talk about with someone who couldn't talk but had to write instead. "What did you do today?"

_PT._

Jeonghan nodded for him to go on, scowling when Chan stopped and stared at him helplessly. "Nothing else?" Chan shook his head, and Jeonghan let out an affronted gasp. "You've just been sitting here, staring at a blank wall all day?" he asked incredulously. "I need to talk to the nurses. Tell them to bring you a puppy or something." Chan shifted uncomfortably, tapping the pencil against the notepad, seemingly deep in thought, before shyly passing the whole notepad over.

Jeonghan took it and flipped through it, curious to see its contents. He squinted at the stick figure drawings that Chan had made before it suddenly hit him. The way the stick figures were positioned, the way the figures for all of them seemed to flow like a dance. "You're- Are you choreographing again?" Chan nodded, a small blush spreading across his face. "That's amazing!" A small, happy laugh bubbled out of Jeonghan as everything seemed somewhat normal again for a second.

They sat together in silence for a bit while Jeonghan continued to flip through the small book, impressed at how much Chan had gotten done in the small hospital room. He passed it back with a small, proud smile then set about to entertaining Chan as best as he could.

Jeonghan was in the middle of discussing the events of a show that Chan hadn't quite gotten around to watching when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

_Seungcheolliee: Where r u_

_I need u to come back_

_Plz its an emergency_

_Idk what to do_

_I cant handle this_

Jeonghan frowned at his phone, starting to tap out a response then quickly backspaced as he wondered what the best way to approach this was. He finally settled on informing Seungcheol that he was keeping Chan company.

_Seungcheolliee: ?_

_Go somewhere alone and call me_

_ASAP_

_pls_

"Gonna get a snack," Jeonghan mumbled, keeping his face down so Chan wouldn't see the worry on his face. "You want anything?"

Chan shook his head, and Jeonghan took off, pulling the cap and face mask on haphazardly as he rushed through the hospital, fortunately finding an empty waiting room almost immediately. Jeonghan pulled up Seungcheol's contact with a heavy heart. He didn't want to. He honestly didn't want to. He just wanted everything to go back to normal. But he couldn't just leave Seungcheol to handle whatever by himself. It wouldn't be fair to Seungcheol.

"Hello?" Jeonghan eyes narrowed at the watery, weak voice that was so unlike Seungcheol.

Jeonghan nodded. "What's going on?"

Seungcheol swallowed audibly. Gross, Jeonghan wanted to say. "You're not still by Chan, right?"

"No, I found an empty waiting room, _what is happening_?"

Seungcheol let out a sigh, sounding a lot older and more tired than anyone his age should ever have to sound. "Remember how Chan told the police that the- that they- that there was a video?"

Jeonghan glanced around the room before settling on a magazine with a picture of a happy family on the cover, not comfortable with where this was going. "Yeah, I remember."

Seungcheol's voice cracked. "It got leaked an hour ago and, like, it's very public. Like, in two hours, most people will know about it and where to find it if they want."

" _Fuck_."

"I don't know what to do," he said. "I can't tell Chan. I _can't_. He'll be fucking devastated. What if he does something, like, you know?"

Jeonghan stared at the stupid family picture getting more and more upset by the second. Jeonghan got up to pace around the small room, making his way toward the dumb magazine. He picked up the magazine, glaring at the picture. "Why can't they leave him alone already?" Jeonghan paused to gather himself before continuing. "How'd it even get leaked? They're all in jail. They-" Jeonghan froze, a terrible thought flitting across his brain. "They didn't _escape,_ right?"

"Apparently, they'd already sent it to people before they got caught. I guess one of those people just posted it online."

Jeonghan sighed in relief that at least Chan's worst nightmare hadn't come true then clenched his hands into little fists. He wanted to find them and fight them. "Should I come back? Do you guys need help?"

"Stay there," Seungcheol muttered. "Make sure Chan doesn't watch any TV or anything. Don't let him on your phone. I'll figure out a way to tell him later."

"Okay, I'll see you later." Jeonghan angrily shoved his phone in his pocket then reached for the magazine, ripping it in half and dropping it in the trash before making his way back towards Chan's hospital room.

"I'm back," Jeonghan called as he entered, heart clenching at Chan's flinch.

Chan watched him throwing the cap and mask on the counter before grabbing his pencil and scribbling out another quick note.

_U mad?_

"I'm not mad," Jeonghan said. "I just- The vending machine was all out of candy. Stupid vending machine." He stopped, falling heavily on the chair and stared at Chan to quietly study his face. He hated the still healing bruises but Jeonghan would take slight discoloration over all of the swelling. His face was uncomfortably gaunt since apparently no one had bothered feeding them for a whole week. Jeonghan wanted his slightly chubby cheeks back. He wanted Chan's voice back at the least. He didn't think he'd ever hear him laugh again. "I know I promised to stop saying it, but you'll always be my baby, yeah?"

Chan rolled his eyes but nodded. _Sleepy_ , he wrote. _Nurse gave meds when u left_.

"Okay, take a nap," Jeonghan said. "I'll probably still be here when you wake up."

 _Im glad ur here hyung.Thx._ Chan smiled, leaning back in the bed and drifting off within minutes.

Jeonghan sighed and pulled up a news site on his phone, wondering what the hell they were going to do next.

And if he couldn't stop himself from breaking down in the ride back home, nobody other than Jisoo had to know.


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you sure?" Seungcheol asked, glancing at the wheelchair. "I mean, Soonyoung, Junnie, and Myungho all went to their homes." Seungcheol thought he'd write back a response, but Chan didn't, only continued to look down at his hands somberly.

"He seems pretty upset," Jisoo reminded gently. "So, maybe, don't push it."

Chan's parents hadn't shown up to the hospital. They had to go to work, but even if they didn't Seungcheol could guess the mood probably wouldn't be much better. They'd been understandably confused and upset that Chan had decided to stay at the dorms instead of with them. It was difficult to explain or even comprehend how absolutely embarrassed Chan was.

"Okay, we're good to go guys," their manager announced, walking into the room with a duffel bag and a bookbag filled with Chan's things. He handed Jisoo the book bag and duffel bag that contained Chan's things and waited patiently as two nurses helped Chan into a wheelchair.

"There's no paparazzi outside, right?" 

The manager coughed uncomfortably, the hallway in front of him apparently super interesting. "The company did its best," he mumbled.

"Wha- How would they even know to come here?" Seungcheol kissed his teeth and glared at the manager. "Someone would've had to tip them off."

"Cheol, let it go," Jisoo appeased. "It'll be fine- We'll just go out the emergency room exit or something."

Chan twisted in his wheelchair to stare up at Seungcheol, eyes wide with fear. Seungcheol forced a smile and patted Chan's hair, in what he hoped was a comforting motion. "It'll be okay."

"Erm, I don't know what to say, but," the manager paused uneasily. "They're trying to figure out who might have leaked it, and are trying to take legal action, you know?"

"I _don't_ know. This feels really suspicious," Seungcheol dead-toned, already halfway through calling the CEO. He moved to the hallway so he could argue with the man without bothering Chan or accidentally scaring him.

Jisoo glanced up from where he was messing with Chan by pretending to tip him out of the wheelchair. The sight of Chan lightly slapping Jisoo's arm almost made Seungcheol want to smile. Almost. "Nothing?" Jisoo asked at Seungcheol's angry face.

Seungcheol shook his head in disappointment. "There's security, but there's reporters and stuff too, and they're crowding the entrance. They said they can't really do anything about the reporters."

Chan scribbled something on a sticky note and chucked it at Jisoo who quickly read it over before nodding and rummaging through the duffel bag. "He wants a Xanax," Jisoo explained. "We can leave after it kicks in."

Seungcheol sighed and leaned against the wall to wait, hating that this was Chan's reality. Having to take anxiety medication just to go outside and go home.

"Alright, let's go," Jisoo stated after helping Chan put a face mask, sunglasses and baseball cap on.

Seungcheol wasn't sure who it was, he'd been too busy trying to make sure that Chan was inside the van, safe and comfortable. He could only pray that Chan himself hadn't heard the despicable and disgusting question. One look at Chan's face told him that he'd been lucky enough that the Xanax had kicked in enough for Chan to be just out of it enough for the question to register.

Seungcheol got his phone out and quickly texted Jisoo so he could discuss without bothering Chan.

_Coupssiee: DID U HEAR THAT REPORTER WTFFF_

_WHARS WRONG W PPL_

Jisoo glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, putting his phone down. "Hear what?" he whispered. "What happened?"

_Coupssiee: Someone fucking asked if he likd it_

Jisoo stared at his phone screen, mouth dropping in shock when he read the text. Seungcheol could see the different emotions running across Jisoo's face, shock, denial, anger then acceptance.

_Coupssiee: IDFKKKK_

_Shuashua: Lets not tell anyone_

_I think itll embarrass chan more_

_but wtf_

They nodded at each other in silent agreement.

Seungcheol glanced to the back seat where Chan had been seated then undid his seatbelt and switched into the seat next to him, ignoring their manager's mumbled request to stay seated in moving vehicles. Seungcheol delicately grasped Chan's fingers, checking to make sure he wasn't bothering Chan before full on holding his hand.

"Ok, but," Mingyu started, emphatically crossing his arms. Jihoon rolled his eyes, wishing it would be socially acceptable to just pick up his plate and leave. He was too drained to deal with everyone's arguing. And if he was this drained, he couldn't imagine how drained Chan himself fucking was. Chan who everyone seemed to have forgotten about in the midst of their argument. Chan who must be able to easily hear all of them arguing about him and feeling terrible for even thinking about coming here. "When have you ever known Chan to choose being alone over attention?"

Jihoon sighed as the voices around him steadily escalated. Finally, when he couldn't take it any longer, he stood, making sure to let the chair drag across the floor with a deafening screech. It had the intended effect of shutting everyone up, even if it was for a moment.

"Where are you going?" Seokmin asked.

Jihoon glared down at him, fully aware that the irritation was very clear in his eyes. "I'm gonna ask Chan what he fucking wants, and if he wants to be left alone, we are leaving him alone."

"Wait!" Mingyu shouted. Jihoon groaned and turned back around, ready to fight him. To his surprise, Mingyu merely thrust a small plate of the food they made at him. "Leave this with him. He can eat when he's hungry."

"I'll come get it if he doesn't want to come," Jihoon said as he left.

"Hey, Chan-ah," Jihoon greeted when he entered. Chan was still laying in bed where'd they left him after they'd gotten back from the hospital. Jihoon had assumed that Chan would be happier left to himself to rest, but honestly, he looked more bored and sad by himself in the room than outside with the others. At least the effects of the Xanax had worn off. Chan smiled softly and waved at him with his good hand. "How are you feeling?" Chan looked around the room for his little notepad, making a face when it was spotted across the room by the duffel bags. "Here," Jihoon said, opening his phone's note app and offering it instead.

_Good :)_

Looking at Chan's tired face, Jihoon could easily tell that that was more than a little white lie but he didn't want to push it. "You must have heard the dummies outside," he said. "Do you want to eat out there with them or in here where its nice and quiet or maybe just go to sleep?"

_I'll come._

Jihoon stared down at the little screen in shock. "Really?" Chan's fingers tightened on the bedsheets, and Jihoon backtracked, suddenly realizing how rude that must have sounded. "Sorry, not like that. Just-" he paused, wondering what the best way to phrase his thoughts were. "You don't have to force yourself to come eat with us because you feel guilty or something. If you're tired, it's okay." 

Chan pointed at his phone again with more force. "Okay, okay, you win," Jihoon agreed easily, putting his hands up in a sign of defeat. "Let's get you over there."

It was much too easy to help Chan out of bed. It could have been the results of Jihoon working out, but it was more likely to be the immense amount of weight Chan had dropped over the past month and a half. He'd always been fairly skinny and muscular, but now he was reaching skeletal and Jihoon wasn't a fan.

Chan suddenly stilled, hand gripping onto Jihoon's tightly. 

The room went silent as all seven of them swiveled to stare at the two of them walking in. 

Idiots, Jihoon thought. If Chan's trembling, sweaty hands was anything to go by, they were clearly doing an amazing job at making him feel welcome and totally at ease. Chan was shaking like a leaf, a clear sign of his nervousness. Jihoon cleared his throat while glaring at the others until they got the message and stopped staring, then attempted to pull Chan into the seat next to Wonwoo, hoping Wonwoo's calming energy would help.

Chan did his best to stop from moving forward, digging his heels into the ground and tugging at Jihoon's hand as hard as he could. Jihoon looked back quizically and allowed Chan to drag him back.

"What's wrong, Channie?" Wonwoo asked, putting his chopsticks down and slowly getting to his feet. Chan tried to step back away from the group but stumbled, feet getting more and more uncoordinated as he panicked.

"I think he's having a panic attack," Jihoon said shakily, doing his best to keep Chan from falling and hitting the ground. Chan wasn't very strong but he was struggling as hard as he could, and it was getting hard to hold onto him.

"Sit him on the floor," Wonwoo instructed. "And don't fucking crowd him, all of you sit down." He left the dining room and rushed to the kitchen before returning with a folded paper bag. "Here, try breathing into it," Wonwoo offered, holding the opening of the bag to Chan's mouth. Chan somehow managed to grab onto the bag with both hands and cup it around his mouth then breath heavily into it until he started to calm down.

"Better?" Wonwoo asked softly, gently pushing Chan's now sweaty hair out of his face. His breathing had started to slow down but it was still a little too fast, which was worrying. "Do you want to stay here or go back?" Chan sighed and pointed backwards. "Back to your room?" Chan nodded, disappointment clear on his face. Wonwoo glanced over at Jihoon who was still holding Chan up while simultaneously shooting a seething glare at everyone seated around the table. "I'll help him back," Wonwoo offered, watching as Jihoon stomped to his seat at the table.

The two disappeared into Chan's room, Wonwoo only returning to grab his and Chan's food.

"Is he okay?" Hansol asked. 

Jihoon glowered at him then all of them, everyone looking down when Jihoon's angry gaze passed over them. "This was a terrible idea from start to finish. I hope all of you are super fucking proud of yourselves. I mean, why couldn't you all ju-"

"That's enough," Seungcheol interrupted. "It's not anyone's fault. We just have to figure out what might trigger him and then not do that, so… Any ideas?"

"Don't all stare at him at once," Jihoon muttered. "You really scared him."

"He was fine at the hospital," Mingyu said under his breath.

"He was on pain pills most of the time! Also, one of you staring is extremely different from all of you staring. I mean, he literally came here cause he wasn't ready to look at his parents." Jihoon paused to take a moment to catch his breath before admitting that, "honestly, when you all turned around, it made me really nervous too, and you guys weren't even looking at me."

Something about the whole situation didn't sit well with Hansol, which is why he spent the hour after dinner looking through the Google results for 'How to help sad best friend' then 'How to help friend with PTSD', before coming to the conclusion that the only thing being recommended to him was to listen to the sad best friend.

Hansol knocked on Chan's bedroom door, waiting patiently for Chan to tell him to come in before realizing he couldn't tell him anything. He knocked on the door once more before entering with a small, what he hoped to be reassuring smile. Chan was sitting up in bed, small notebook open on his lap which he shut as soon as he caught sight of Hansol. "Want to talk and discuss?" Hansol asked. "If you want to, I mean. Like, no judgment. Of course. It might make you feel better. If- Only if you want to."

Chan just patted the side of the bed for Hansol to sit down, which he did, careful to put enough space between him and Chan for Chan's comfort. He glanced out of his periphery before shakily writing something on the notebook, notebook tilted away from Hansol. Chan ripped the paper out of the notebook then folded it and handed it to Hansol with fidgety fingers.

_U guys didn’t watch the video right_

Chan refused to look at him, instead staring at the floor with an uncannily focused expression.

"No," Hansol answered. "I don't think anyone here has. Promise. Promise on my life."

Chan continued to stare at the floor, only looking up when Hansol suddenly got up and speed-walked out of the room. He didn't want to push Chan into talking if he wasn't ready to, which he clearly didn't seem to be.

"I got the Switch," Hansol announced on his return. "Let's play." He broke off, blinking at Chan who'd froze, blanket still being wiped across his face. "Wait, wait, wait, _wait_ , don't cry," Hansol pleaded while slowly inching towards Chan. He wasn't sure what to do in this kind of situation. Normally, he would've hugged him, and it would've been easy to make him feel better, but hugging him might be the worst thing he could do in this situation. "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

Chan shook his head then coughed into his fist, appalled to be found crying.

"Tell meee," Hansol groaned. "The hyungs are gonna beat me if they find out I made you cry."

Chan swallowed before hesitantly writing that _I thought u left bc i made it weird_.

"No," he denied vehemently. "I mean- You have made it weird before, sometimes, but not right now." Chan stared at him in disbelief before punching him in the shoulder as hard as he could. Which, to be fair, wasn't that hard. Hansol played his part though, rubbing the spot gingerly as if it really hurt. "Wha-why are you punching me?"

Chan shook his head, starting to write out an angry response when he dropped the pencil that rolled off the bed. Chan tossed the notebook aside and folded his arms in annoyance.

Hansol snickered as he got out of bed to grab the pencil and return it to its disgruntled owner. "You know," Hansol said slowly as he watched Chan start to write again. "It would be a lot easier for you to talk if you got a phone instead of writing all the time. Be really fast to tap instead of write."

Chan pursed his lips, seemingly thinking it over before nodding. _Wanna help me order a phone?_

"Oh, hell yeah," he agreed easily. "Wait, let me get Wonwoo; he's good at finding us deals." Hansol slid off the bed and quickly made his way to the living room where he could hear Wonwoo and Seungkwan conversing quietly.

"Wonwoo-hyung, me and Chan need you," Hansol announced. Wonwoo and Seungkwan stood up immediately, glancing over to Chan's room. "Not an emergency, though. We just want to order a phone for him." Wonwoo's lips pursed into an o shape.

"How is he?" Seungkwan asked. 

"He's okay." Hansol said, getting a little nervous at how Wonwoo and Seungkwan were staring at him like they knew he had more to say. He fidgeted nervously before sighing and confessing. "He cried and we're not supposed to hug him and he can't speak, and I wasn't sure what to do," Hansol admitted begrudgingly, already hating himself for saying those words. The last thing he wanted was for Chan to feel like a burden. "Not sure I'm equipped to handle this. Or any of us, really."

Seungkwan nodded in understanding. "What do we do?"

" _Guys._ " Wonwoo stared at them like they were the dumbest idiots he'd ever seen. "We have to get him to talk to a therapist."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, someone pls give me a synonym for announced idk words


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self-harm at the end, nothing too graphic, but please don't read if it's something that might trigger you  
> Stay safe <3

It kind of maybe made Wonwoo feel guilty that he was sort of taking advantage of the situation that was occurring with Chan. Chan didn't want to go anywhere, ever, not even when he was supposed to go to physical therapy or his psychiatrist. Chan kept trying to successfully leave their apartment but panicking at the thought of something which he refused to tell anyone, not even Hansol or Soonyoung. None of them liked Chan's psychiatrist or physical therapy days. He'd normally shut down and refuse to leave his bed, staying huddled under the blankets with only a small tiger plushie for comfort. Soonyoung'd ordered it to their dorm as a small gift for Chan. He'd offered to buy a smaller version for everyone but no one else really seemed to want one. Wonwoo thought it was cute how attached Chan had gotten to it. The whole situation of Chan not leaving his bed, not even for basic human needs like food or bathing, would then freak out Jeonghan and Seungcheol and Chan's parents, who'd stress about the possibility that maybe Chan's locked up in his room to harm himself, even though Chan had promised he'd tell them if he ever felt any such urges. 

Even so, Wonwoo liked it. Liked hanging out with just Chan. Even though Chan's vocal chords still hadn't healed enough to speak, it was fun. Making dinner, playing video games, and watching movies on the flatscreen didn't require talking or having to be too close.

Most importantly, Chan seemed to trust him enough to stay alone with him in the otherwise empty dorms.

It made him feel a little bit special, to be totally honest.

So here he was, volunteering again to stay home with Chan instead of going out to eat with the others at a corporate dinner. It was a win-win situation for him. He didn't have to go out and talk with people, and he got to stay with Chan.

Wonwoo poked his head into Chan's bedroom, expecting to see Chan still asleep on the bed, safe and sound, not crowded against the nightstand, pencil brandished in his hands. He glanced around the room, spotting the blanket half on the floor and the tiger plushie across the room. Almost like Chan had been sleeping, been startled, and then rushed to hide behind the nightstand.

"What are you doing?" he whispered.

Chan didn’t respond, only gestured for him to be silent and come closer. Wonwoo came towards him as quietly as he could, playing along with whatever it was Chan was doing. Chan fumbled with the pencil, writing in the notebook with some difficulty. His hands were trembling too much for him to write too well. _Dont u hear them?_

Wonwoo's brows furrowed in confusion. "Hear what?"

Chan swallowed, ditching the pencil and notepad for his phone _. The guys who tooke me r her._

Wonwoo glanced at the door then back to Chan, slowly connecting the dots. His heart ached. "It's only me here, and there's no sounds either." Chan shook his head furiously in denial. Wonwoo could see the utter confusion on his face. Wonwoo shifted off of the balls of his feet and into a cross-legged position. "Here, try covering your ears and tell me if it gets louder or quieter."

Wonwoo wasn't shocked when Chan burst into tears after covering his ears, honestly more surprised he hadn't been crying already considering how terrified he was, rightfully so. He was even more surprised, however, when Chan moved to hug him tightly. Wonwoo cautiously ran his hand up and down Chan's back in what he hoped was a comforting motion. Chan let go to type out a desperate _Help me pls._

"Of course I'll help you," Wonwoo soothed reassuringly. "When did you start hearing things?"

 _1st time_.

Wonwoo nodded, deep in thought. "Didn't you get a prescription change yesterday? One of the medications must have triggered this."

Chan seemed to think it over before cradling his face in his hands. He removed his face from his hands to text Wonwoo a quick plead. _Can u pls check and make sure noones here/_

Wonwoo agreed and stood, gently helping Chan to his feet as well. "Do you want to wait here while I check the rooms or do you want to come with me?" Chan grabbed onto Wonwoo's forearm in lieu of a response, too scared to bother with writing or typing out a response. "All right, let's go."

Wonwoo helped Chan through the rooms, having to stop multiple times to make sure Chan didn't need or want his anxiety medication. Chan shook his head each time, motioning for them to keep moving forward despite how much his hands were shaking where Chan was holding onto Wonwoo. Wonwoo was proud of him, he had to admit that Chan was handling this whole situation a lot better than he was expecting him to.

They ended up settling in the living room, Chan immediately falling onto the couch and staring straight ahead at nothing with a glazed expression on his face. Wonwoo quietly asked if he should call Seungcheol and ask him to come back. Chan quickly shook his head so Wonwoo didn't, instead Googling how to help someone experiencing auditory hallucinations. He settled on distracting Chan by turning the TV on, glancing at Chan every so often to gauge if it was working. It seemed to be as the dazed expression slowly left and was replaced by a small look of interest as he started to focus on the odd comedy playing on the screen.

At least, it was working until Chan pushed his face into Wonwoo's shoulder, a small whimper escaping him. "Is it getting worse?" It was less of a question, more just him seeking confirmation. Chan nodded and snaked his arms around Wonwoo's midriff, squeezing hard enough for it to almost hurt. Wonwoo patted his arms comfortingly. "What are you hearing?"

Chan let go and sat up straight to pull his phone out. He hesitated. _Im hearing voices telling me it foesnt matter how much i run bc they’ll find me and--_ Chan paused in his typing to push the heel of his palm into his eyes. _And I should kms bc evrythings sucks anyway_

Wonwoo sucked in a breath harshly then tightened his hold on Chan. "Please don't listen to the voices Channie. Don't kill yourself. Please."

Chan swallowed, blinking away tears. _Could u facetime Hoshi hyung pls wanna see him_.

Wonwoo nodded, already pulling up Soonyoung's contact on his phone. Yeah, he might have been a little bit hurt that Chan wanted Soonyoung and not him, but after everything he'd been through, Chan deserved to get what he wanted. Soonyoung picked up relatively quickly, and Wonwoo did his best to explain the Chan's situation to him before passing the phone to Chan. Chan smiled softly at the sight of Soonyoung, waved then handed the phone back to Wonwoo.

"That's it?" Soonyoung asked incredulously. "Did you want to talk about anything? Hyung's always here for you, you know."

Chan shook his head before texting Soonyoung something. Soonyoung read it over and nodded. He talked to Wonwoo for a few minutes before hanging up to go eat with someone.

They continued to binge-watch the show in silence, only interrupted the one time Chan started to cry before angrily sniffling and turning the volume all the way up, neigbors be damned. They continued until Seungcehol called to let them know that they'd be back in an hour.

Wonwoo sighed, figuring they should probably go to sleep soon, but also not wanting to leave Chan alone by himself. He turned off the TV before asking, "Are you still hearing anything?" Chan shook his head after a moment of listening. He broke out into a small, relieved smile then leaned in to quickly hug Wonwoo in thanks. "That's great."

 _Thx hyung_.

Wonwoo grinned back, super pleased with himself to have actually helped Chan. He helped Chan back to his room since he seemed tired then returned to the living room with a book to wait for the others to get home so he could tell them about Chan's new problems.

Wonwoo woke up, still pleased to have made Chan feel better. He got out of bed, cheerily greeting Seungcheol a good morning on his way to check up on Chan, so he could pat himself on the back once more for handling a situation like that before. He found Chan asleep in his bed, covers pulled all the way up to his neck. Wonwoo watched him sleep for a few moments

Chan shifted uncomfortably in his sleep, pushing half of the blanket off and inadvertently exposing his arm. Which would've been fine if his exposed forearm wasn't covered in scratches and still-bleeding cuts when it most definitely was not the night before.

Wonwoo froze before going to find Seungcheol who studied the red lines running across Chan's arms. He glanced back at Wonwoo who immediately looked down in shame. "It's not that bad," he consoled. "It's okay, he doesn't need stitches or anything. And you were right." Seungcheol sighed. "I checked and one of the depression medications does have a side effect of hallucinations. The doctor wasn't expecting Chan to have such a strong reaction to the medication. It's really good that you were with him last night."

Seungcheol left after saying something about how he'd clean and bandage Chan's arms after he woke up.

Wonwoo left as well, only returning hours later when Seungcheol quietly informed him that Chan was awake and wanted to talk to him.

Chan smiled nervously as Wonwoo entered, smile slipping off of his face when it wasn't returned. _Im sorry_ , he texted. _I didngt wante to._

He was so, so incredibly stupid to just leave Chan alone like that. So fucking naïve. He should've known better, especially because he _knew_ Chan was having a hallucinatory episode.

"I'm so sorry," Wonwoo mumbled, clasping onto Chan's hand as tightly as he could. "I shouldn't have left you alone, Hyung's sorry."

 _Iys ok_ , Chan texted. _not that bad_

Wonwoo chuckled humorlessly and carefully placed Chan's hand onto the bed before gently running his fingers on the raised lines across his arms. "Your arms- I should've been here to stop this. I literally _was_ here to stop this." Chan stared at Wonwoo's fingers tracing the cuts, goosebumps raising across his skin at the unwelcome feeling. Wonwoo let go with a quick apology then cleared his throat uncomfortably.

Chan sighed then started typing. _They kept telling me to kms. The only reason i didn’t is bc of u hyung. Srsly. Thank you._

"You're welcome," Wonwoo whispered. He still felt like a stupid failure, no matter what consoling things Chan was texting him.

He didn't want to volunteer to stay home with Chan anymore.

He didn't want to be responsible for things like this, even if Seungcheol and Chan had expressly stated that it wasn't. 

Wonwoo patted Chan's hand once, gently prying Chan's fingers off of his wrist when Chan desperately gripped onto it.

Chan's phone dropped onto the floor as he watched Wonwoo rose off his feet and trudged away, knowing full well that Wonwoo probably wasn't going to come back. And it was his own damn fault.

Chan picked it up after a few moments, silently examining the shattered screen before carefully placing it back on the floor and retreating back under the blanket. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter seems rushed, it's because it is lol. I wanted to finish this chapter so I can study for midterms without getting distracted.  
> Also, if you want to see what auditory hallucinations are like, I recommend looking up auditory hallucination simulations on youtube. But it do be scary, so don't watch it if you're easily spooked.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// slight mentions of self-harm, nothing too graphic

"Wha-"

Chan looked up from the floor in the living room to be faced with Mingyu's startled expression. "What are you still doing up?"

Chan glanced around, quickly searching for his phone before realizing he'd left it in his room. It was times like these where Chan wished his voice wasn't so damn disgusting so he could just communicate. "Here," Mingyu said, passing Chan his own phone before Chan could spiral deeper into his thoughts. 

_Scared_ , Chan swiftly typed before realizing how stupid that sounded and started to delete the word. The last thing he wanted was for them to think he was still a scared little victim.

"You're scared?"

Great.

"So, you can't sleep?" Mingyu gnawed on his bottom lip. "We could get you sleeping pills, or, or different anxiety medication."

 _No. It's fine_. Chan sighed. After the last incident, he didn't want to risk anything. He didn't tell Seungcheol since he was still faithfully giving him his medication every day, but ever since the incident he'd been flushing the pills straight down the toilet instead of taking them. Chan would rather suffer through the pain in silence then inadvertently hurt someone like he'd clearly hurt Wonwoo.

"Well," Mingyu said after a pause. "I'll stay up with you," he offered, already moving to spread out on the floor as well. Mingyu watched as Chan mimicked his position flat on his back. Just a good three feet away from Mingyu. Which was okay, really. It wasn't hurtful at all that Chan seemed to actively avoid touching Mingyu at all costs, even though he also actively went to hug Jeonghan or someone else when he was upset. They both stared at the ceiling in silence while Mingyu tried to figure out what to do at 2:45 a.m. with someone who was anxious. "We could watch a movie. Or play a game. Or make something. Cooking's always fun."

Chan sighed and typed something on Mingyu's phone before passing it to him in what he thought indicated finality. _Go sleep. I'm fine._

Mingyu shrugged. "I'm not really that sleepy either." 

Chan continued to gaze up at the ceiling in a daze as Mingyu started listing possible activities again. He glanced back at Mingyu who'd suddenly broke off his list, and was staring at him with an odd expression on his face. Chan didn't like it. It made him vaguely uncomfortable. To be fair though, Chan knew it was the expression Mingyu made when he thought he had a genius idea.

"What if you sleep with me tonight?"

It was all so wrong. All of it. Chan consciously knew Mingyu would never hurt him. But still. Mingyu's arm haphazardly thrown over Chan's waist was suffocatingly heavy. The blanket covering the both of them felt like it was made of lead. He couldn't breathe. His lungs were not taking in oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide. It felt like all the air was getting trapped in his chest where Mingyu's arm was resting. He did his best to squirm out of Mingyu's hold, biting his lip to keep from sobbing when Mingyu threw a leg over him as well and tightened his arms around Chan.

Thankfully Mingyu quickly let go once Chan resorted to harshly slapping the other's arm. Mingyu rolled in the opposite direction while sleep-mumbling threats to beat Seungkwan up. Chan sighed in relief before pushing himself off the bed to fall heavily onto the floor, wincing as his elbow and backside took most of the impact.

Chan stayed on the floor, chest heaving as he tried to suck in large lungfuls of air before wiping his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater. He got to his feet and forced himself to make the walk to his own room. Chan'd almost gotten inside when the quiet sound of what he assumed was the fridge making ice rang throughout their apartment. He froze with one hand on the doorknob and one muffling his mouth, terrified by the creepy noises that their apartment was currently making. Yes, in theory it was probably just noise from the building appliances. But he couldn't shake the nightmare fuel that it might be someone breaking into their apartment. Someone who wanted to hurt him. Someone who wanted to repeat that night.

He was so fucking tired.

Chan just wanted to sleep.

He'd been so hopeful when the night before he'd managed to sleep by himself for a full five hours without nightmares. Things were starting to look better. Now it was obvious the last night was an exception not the new norm. He was disappointed in himself.

Chan could handle most of the members hugging him. Mingyu, he couldn't quite touch without wanting to vomit, for reasons he'd rather leave undisclosed. As long as Mingyu didn't notice, it was fine, he supposed. Sleeping with any of the members was an entirely different story. Chan could count on three fingers the number of people he felt comfortable and safe enough to be able to sleep next to. And they were Soonyoung, Jun, and Seungcheol, in that order. Since the other two still hadn't returned, Seungcheol had to bear the brunt of Chan's nighttime terrors. Seungcheol claimed to not mind, but Chan was sure Seungcheol did. After all, who'd want to sleep next to someone as disgusting as him?

He considered the alternative of just sitting on his own bed with all the lights on and his phone in his hands, but a small creaking sound immediately destroyed that. He was terrified.

Chan planned to just crawl into bed with Seungcheol, or maybe just spread out on the floor so he wouldn't end up bothering him, but Seungcheol had immediately woken up when Chan had opened the door. He called out something undecipherable into the darkness, and Chan moved to quickly flip the lights on.

"Chan-ah? Hey, what's wrong?" Seungcheol asked, blearily blinking up at Chan and taking note of his reddened eyes before rolling over to make more room. "Bad dream?" Chan shook his head. He'd have to first be able to actually get to sleep to have a bad dream. Seungcheol patted the space by him quizzically, confused why Chan wasn't already in bed with him. Seungcheol sat up and motioned for Chan to come closer, waiting patiently for Chan to hesitantly trudge over before gently pulling him into a loose hug. Chan knew the older could probably feel his racing heartbeat and sweaty skin, but thankfully, he didn't mention it. "Want to talk about what you're upset about?" Seungcheol asked instead, one hand rubbing Chan's back in a soothing up-and-down motion.

Chan shook his head and blinked furiously to keep crying at bay. "Let it out," Seungcheol said. His voice was comforting, sweet, but something was off. It was like when he had something tough to say, but didn't want to. "You know, we all love you and want you to feel better, right?"

Chan nodded slowly, not enjoying where Seungcheol was going with this.

Seungcheol sighed, clearly feeling weighed down by all of this. By Chan. Chan was weighing him down. Come to think of it, Chan was weighing everyone down. "You've got to talk to your therapist, Channie. You don't have to go there but maybe you could video call or, or text them or something. No pressure or anything, it's just that it's been almost a month and you're so sad still. And we want to make you happy again."

Chan stared at Seungcheol's face, brain working a mile a minute about his newfound epiphany. He felt sad, but there was something new in the usual emotions of overwhelming sadness. Chan considered it for a moment before settling on anger; he was angry. Angry at himself for making so many problems for the others. Chan dug his nails into his forearm as hard as he could even as he nodded to Seungcheol.

"Really?" Seungcheol asked, shock evident in his voice. "I didn't think you'd want to." Seungcheol hugged him tighter while mumbling something about how proud he was.

Chan patted Seungcheol's arm with a fake smile plastered across his face. He kept smiling even after Seungcheol had gotten up to turn the lights off and fallen back asleep, slowly removing his nails from his arm before digging them into the soft skin of his stomach and scratching downwards. After the incident with Wonwoo, he'd learned to not do anything that would leave marks in visible places. Chan didn't normally hurt himself, usually only when he was terrified and needed the pain to ground himself, but for the first time he felt like hurting himself because he deserved it. For being such a dumb loser.

Chan woke up to the sound of the door slamming open, followed by Mingyu's panicked voice. Chan froze, doing his best to take account of his surroundings before freaking out. It was something that required a lot of mental stamina but it was worth it compared to the daily freak outs that would take up all of his mental, physical, and emotional stamina.

It was warm, not freezing. He was in a bed, not a damp floor. His face was covered by a soft blanket, not rough hands covering his nose and mouth. His head was resting on someone's chest not the floor. It smelled like fabric softener and home, not mold. And whoever he was laying on was humming softly while playing with his hair. In conclusion, he probably wasn't anywhere bad _yet._

"Cheol-hyung, I can't find Chan, he came to sleep with me last night and when I woke up he wasn't anywhere and I checked everywhere but I can't fin- _Oh_."

Someone, presumably Seungcheol, pulled the blanket down to reveal Chan's face.

"When'd he come here?"

Chan winced internally at the sound of confusion mixed with a slight amount of hurt in Mingyu's voice.

"Erm, around 3:30, I think," Seungcheol answered. Chan could practically hear Mingyu running through the numbers in his mind. Great, another person he'd stupidly hurt. The both of them must've really thought Chan was still asleep since Seungcheol started gently rolling Chan's sleeves up to carefully check for new scars. Chan was suddenly glad that his nails weren't sharp enough to cut no matter how hard he pushed them in. At worst, they'd leave deep indents that would bruise. "He must've been tired from all the nightmares. Passed out pretty quickly. Poor baby." He gently pushed the sleeves back down before yawning and delicately pushing Chan off of him and onto the bed. "I'll let him keep sleeping until he wakes up, I guess."

"Minghao's coming back today, he'll probably want to be up by then," Mingyu reminded.

"So, in an hour," Seungcheol concluded.

Their voices and footsteps were getting increasingly fainter as they left the room, Chan rolling over to stare at the wall once he was sure they were gone, quickly shutting his eyes in pretend sleep when he heard the footsteps returning. They walked to the bed and someone lifted the blanket, carefully placing the tiger plushie underneath Chan's chin before tucking the blanket back in. Then followed the obvious clicking sound of someone taking a picture, so Jeonghan, Chan concluded, doing his best to keep his face from pulling into the exasperated smile it wanted to do. Jeonghan bopped his nose lightly with a whispered command to go back to sleep before leaving. 

Once he was sure Jeonghan was gone, Chan opened his eyes once more to stare at the wall, quietly visualizing Minghao's return. 

If Minghao was supposed to be back at their dorms around 9:30, then that must mean that it was about 8-8:30 in the morning right now. Which means he should've gotten roughly 3-4 hours of sleep last night. Better than usual, Chan surmised, pulling the blankets back over his head as he heard footsteps walking by the open door. He found himself wondering how Minghao was doing. How he was coping. They'd texted a couple of times over the past month, and Chan knew he videocalled every now and then, but him saying he felt fine and great over text was totally different from Chan and everyone else being able to physically see how fine and great he was. Chan thought back to what Seungcheol had said the night before. Clearly, Chan was burdening everyone while refusing to get help.

Maybe they'd finally kick Chan out or put him in an insane asylum once they saw how a normally functioning human being reacted to the same situation.


	5. Chapter 5

Mingyu seriously believed Chan hated him now.

The signs were all there.

Like when Seungkwan and Hansol had dragged Chan into Mingyu's room 2 days after Chan had been discharged, excitedly asking Mingyu to cut and style Chan's hair that had really gotten way too long. And he'd agreed because there was no reason not to agree.

Except, as soon as Mingyu's fingers had so much as grazed over the top of his split ends, Chan's bottom lip started to tremble. And then the tears had started, ending only when Jisoo rushed into the bathroom and whisked Chan away after thoroughly scolding all three of them.

And that was fine, really. Mingyu chalked it all up to Chan being tired and tense. Except it kept happening. Over and over again. And mainly only with Mingyu. Specifically when Mingyu got too close. Like when Mingyu had sat on the couch next to Chan to ask him how he felt about ordering food for dinner, and Chan had tripped and fallen hard enough to twist his ankle all in Chan's haste to get away. The look of pure fear that Chan would always give him was honestly getting to be too much. It made Mingyu feel like an absolute monster. 

He'd felt so proud of himself when Chan hadn't pushed him off this time and had actually agreed to sleep with him. But then Chan had disappeared as soon as Mingyu had fallen asleep, had ran away to Seungcheol instead. 

He wanted nothing more than to discuss the whole situation with Minghao.

Mingyu didn’t want to be selfish though. Minghao had just came back home for the first time in over a month, and he was probably too tired to bother with doing an in-depth discussion about Mingyu's problems.

Minghao hadn't been home for a full five minutes before he slid into the seat next to Mingyu, studying his face intently before tapping his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Minghao whispered under his breath. "You seem kind of- I don't know, sad? Tired?"

Damn, Mingyu hadn't even realized how much he missed him.

The rest of them were fine, they were great, but Minghao seemed to just _get_ him. It was nice.

Mingyu sighed, half out of relief, half out of genuine lethargy, opening his mouth to finally be able to discuss his Chan problem with someone before realizing that Seungcheol was on his phone literally three feet away from them. He wanted privacy, something that was hard to come by here.

"I'm just sleepy, wanna come get coffee with me?"

They were halfway out of the apartments when Mingyu noticed. He stared openly at Minghao's hands that were trembling so hard he could barely maintain his hold on his phone. Minghao was scared. His best friend was scared at the thought of leaving the safety of their apartment. "Stop staring, please," Minghao whispered, shoving the phone in his pocket instead. "I can control it, just give me a second."

"We can stay here," Mingyu rushed to reassure. "It's fine, we don't have to go out. I can get coffee delivered."

Minghao rolled his eyes. "I'm fine, I can deal with it," he said in a tone that indicated finality. "Besides, it's not like I'm any less likely to be kidnapped anywhere else." 

"Are you sure?" Mingyu asked, voice filled with concern. "It's okay to be scared, you know. Chan still hasn't been able to leave the apartments for anything. Literally anything."

"I'll be fine once I'm in the car and I'm distracted, and _you're not talking about it_ ," Minghao said pointedly.

Mingyu agreed silently, figuring it was best to just turn the radio on as soon as they were inside the car to drown out Minghao's fears. 

"I don't get it," Mingyu lamented, fiddling with the spoon in his drink out of nervousness. "He refuses to hug me. Or look at me. I'd be fine if he would so much as look in my general direction."

"Oh, um," Minghao hesitated, biting his bottom lip. He glanced around the coffee shop to make sure no one was watching them or trying to listen in. He didn't see anyone but he lowered his voice anyways. "I have an idea why, but I don't think you're going to like it." Mingyu nodded for him to continue. "This is very fucked up, so I really don't think you want to hear this, but, uh-"

"Hurry up and say it," Mingyu interrupted impatiently.

"So, um, you know the people who did the thing?" Mingyu sighed but nodded along. "It's really unfortunate but one of them was built exactly like you."

" _Built_ like me? What does that mean?"

"Don't make me spell it out for you." Minghao groaned aloud before relenting when Mingyu pouted in his direction. "Fine! You look really, _really_ similar to one of the kidnappers. You're like a, a literal walking, breathing reminder of everything that happened."

"Oh." Mingyu stirred the ice cream into the espresso, brain considering how plausible Minghao's statement was. He hadn't really studied their faces or anything, but he would've _\- should've_ remembered if one of them looked like his evil twin. It was possible though. He pulled out his phone to quickly search up the police photos of the criminals. He didn't think there was a resemblance, but maybe he was just blind. "Do I look like one of them?"

"Not in the face," Minghao said cryptically, watching as a small look of realization then disgust passed over Mingyu's face. "Yeah, gross," Minghao agreed sympathetically. "Just give him some time to I don’t know, not feel creeped out by it."

Mingyu nodded, deep in thought. "But you three are okay with me?"

"We're not the ones that got, erm, traumatized."

Mingyu sighed. He didn't like how the other three pushed their own problems to the side so everyone would focus on Chan. Not that Chan didn't need help or anything like that. He just recognized that the other three were also traumatized by that whole situation. "You guys were also there. It's not like there's trauma rankings or something."

Minghao shook his head. "You're not getting it. Other kind of trauma. Physical trauma."

"So, basically he hates me because of what my evil twin did." Mingyu frowned, slumping in his chair.

"He probably doesn't hate you, and that's not your evil twin," Minghao said, rolling his eyes. "You two are just the exact same height and have like the same muscles and stuff. It's just probably hard for him to look at you. But-" Minghao broke off to take a long sip of his coffee. "You can ask him to be sure, I guess."

Mingyu nodded, ruminating over Minghao's words for the rest of the afternoon, even after they'd left the café and returned to the apartment.

He found Chan alone on the couch, facing the window while patiently doing his best to draw a figure in a sketchbook. Chan froze at the sound of Mingyu approaching, warily peeking over his shoulder then quickly pretending to focus back on his art once he knew it was Mingyu.

It was a little bit annoying.

It wasn't like Mingyu had _done_ anything to Chan.

"I don’t know what your problem is, but I can't help you unless you tell me." Chan stared up at him in dumb shock, whole body seemingly frozen in time. For a fleeting second, Mingyu started to second-guess his methods of tough love. Perhaps, he shouldn't have listened to the self-proclaimed emotional genius, Minghao. But then he remembered how well Chan used to respond to a stern talking-to by anyone he respected. "Completely avoiding talking about what happened won't change what happened."

Chan's eyes narrowed in what Mingyu thought might be anger. Never mind. It was definitely anger. His lips had pressed themselves into a thin line and he was glaring at Mingyu with ferocity that would've had even Jihoon impressed. Not the supposed moment of epiphany that Mingyu'd naively thought would occur. Chan scribbled in his notebook furiously, pausing once to wipe a stray, angry tear before continuing. He tore the piece of paper out, crumpled it up into a ball, and then vehemently threw it at Mingyu, hitting him dead in the forehead. Mingyu carefully opened the note, eyes scanning over the words Chan had written in surprisingly perfect print. It really wasn't the time to be proud of how good Chan had gotten at writing with his nondominant hand, but Mingyu was still impressed. _You guys can't even say the fucking word for what they did to me but you all want me to just go ahead and tell everyone exactly how I'm feeling about the worst thing that's ever happened to me._ Well. There was quite a bit of truth to that, Mingyu supposed. No one wanted to talk about it, mainly because they all assumed Chan himself did not want to talk about it. At least, that was what they told themselves. To be totally honest, none of them were sure how to talk about things like this. It was uncomfortable. He flinched as a second piece of paper hit him again, this time in the chest. Chan flicked him off once before gathering his things to leave _. I'll talk about what happened when you actually want me to talk to you, and not just tell you how amazingly wonderful I am now that you all take turns babysitting to make sure I don't kill myself._

A door slammed resolutely somewhere in their apartment, metaphorical mic having been dropped.

Mingyu sighed, dropping his head into his hands to reflect on everything that had just gone wrong. Everything that had just gone wrong because of no one other than himself. 'Mingyu ruins everything' running through his mind in what sounded suspiciously like a mix of Jihoon and Seungcheol's voice.

Mingyu fiddled with the tablecloth before figuring that he had probably messed up and required an outsider's help. In conlusion, Minghao.

He found Minghao in Seokmin's room, the two of them engaged in some kind of weird video game that Seokmin had pulled up on his computer.

"I need help, Hao," Mingyu announced, flopping face down on the bed. "I asked Chan straight up about what his problem was and-"

" _You asked him straight up_?"

Mingyu paused, raising an eyebrow at Minghao's appalled tone. He rolled over and sat up to look at Minghao who was staring back in shocked horror. Mingyu was tired. And apparently the person who had seemingly orchestrated the whole thing was shocked that he'd done the thing that Minghao had told him to do.

Seokmin chuckled nervously, already getting to his feet to escape, maybe to find someone to come defuse the whole situation.

Mingyu glared at him, affronted. "You _told_ me to ask him straight up!"

Minghao glared right back. "I didn't mean like that! And, I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to actually do it, holy fuck!" 

"What do I _do_?" Mingyu asked, deflating visibly. "I just wanted to be friends again. I don't know what's wrong with him. With me." Minghao patted his arm as an unspoken apology for getting mad, silently waiting for Mingyu to continue to unload. He was going to before a fondly exasperated voice cut through the silence.

"You big dummy."

"Help meee," Mingyu groaned, turning to stare pleadingly at Jeonghan who was staring back at him with an uncanny amount of affection in his eyes. Seokmin peeked out over Jeonghan's shoulder, creeping back towards his computer once he'd determined it was safe enough.

"You guys would all be so lost without me." Jeonghan smiled an oddly scary sweet smile, creeping close to rest his arms around Mingyu's shoulders. "I'll fix this within an hour," Jeonghan promised the both of them, swiftly pulling Mingyu up to his feet and pushing him across the apartment before Mingyu could get his bearings. He opened a door and shoved him inside the room, hastily slamming the door shut.

Mingyu turned around to stare at the closed door in dumb shock before glancing around the room he'd been pushed inside, gasping as soon as he caught sight of Chan's shaking, frightened figure. Mingyu almost took a step toward his bed to try to calm him down before remembering that it would probably have the opposite effect.

"It's okay, Channie, it's just me, Mingyu," he murmured, doing his best to keep from moving towards Chan. It wasn't like it would be particularly comforting for Chan if Mingyu so much as breathed in his general direction, he thought bitterly.

"Jeonghan-hyung brought me here to talk to you, I think," Mingyu said, hating how shaky his voice had gotten. This was supposed to be easy. He'd known Chan for more than half of his life. But here he was, nervous that he'd say or do the wrong thing and scare or piss Chan off. "And, I'm sorry. I think we all were just too uncomfortable to talk about something like this, but we all pretended like we were doing it for your sake. When really, we just didn't know how to talk about it."

Chan stared at him unblinkingly, mouth slightly open in shock. He swallowed, snapping out of it and reaching for his phone to text him. Mingyu felt his phone buzz in his pocket a few moments later, a small apology text popping up next to a small string of seemingly random emojis. Basically, it was okay.

Mingyu's lips pulled up at the corners as he moved to sit cross-legged on the floor a respectful distance away. He just wanted to be able to see Chan while they discussed.

"I guess I'll start with the big issue," Mingyu began. "Why are you scared of me? Especially me? Like, it's not a problem you have with anyone else? It's a little bit- It makes me feel gross, you know?" Chan flushed a brilliant scarlet from his neck upwards, fiddling nervously with his phone case so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with Mingyu. "Minghao said that I kinda look like one of them," Mingyu suggested slowly.

Chan flushed even more, eyes welling up with tears as he tried his best to type out the answer to Mingyu's question. Chan could honestly die from the embarrassment. But he owed the older at least that much, he guessed. Since Mingyu was the one who he treated like one of _them_ , instead of the kind, caring friend that he was.

 _I don't want to touch u bc i accidentally mentally associated u w him. Sorry its not ur fault_.

He'd never felt so much hate for another human being. Mingyu wanted to, at the very least, put "him" in a lot of pain.

Chan angrily tossed his phone to the side so he could push the palm of his hand into his eyes, wishing he could just burn off his useless tear ducts and then his brain that wouldn't let him move past the one dumb incident.

"Not your fault either," Mingyu mumbled. Chan's attention immediately snapped from the floor to Mingyu, expression an odd look of shock. Like he'd never considered that. Chan pushed his face back into his hands, curling his fingers around his hair and pulling at the roots to feel something other than the soul-crushing humiliation. Mingyu went on anyways, feeling like this was something that really, really needed to be said. "It's not your fault, Channie."

Chan made a small face of pain, slowly typing something out before immediately backspacing it and then retyping it. _Its my brains fault for this whole mess_.

"It's their fault for hurting you," Mingyu said heatedly, hating that Chan would blame himself for something that was really in no way his fault. "I mean kidnapping you four for ransom money wasn't okay at all, but at least it kind of made sense. Maybe they really needed money for cancer treatment or something. Maybe they lost their jobs. But the rest of everything they did, they didn’t get anything from doing all of that. It was pointless and evil. They're just terrible wastes of human life."

Chan didn't look like he'd been particularly convinced, but he nodded along anyways. _Its just u guys have the same body_ , he texted _. Ig i get scared its him when i see u_.

"What if," Mingyu said slowly, eyes lighting up as he thought of something. "What if I wore something he never wore? You could see whatever it is and know it's not him?"

Chan considered it before agreeing hesitantly. _They always wore black? Its rlly stupid bc everyoen wears black but i hate black clothes now._

Mingyu glanced down at his black tee that he'd paired with black athletic pants and black house shoes then looked back up, noticing for the first time that Chan had only been wearing white or colored clothing for a while now.

"Oh shit, my bad, I'll change after this, I promise."

Chan pushed his lips into a fake smile, but it was the first time in a long, long time that Chan had emoted something other than terror at something Mingyu had said or done. He beamed, proud of himself, then left to retrieve a light yellow hoodie to wear and the lotion-infused tissues that he'd kept stocked in all of the bathrooms. He passed the box to Chan then immediately retreated a respectful distance to wait for Chan to dab at his cheeks and eyes, wincing internally at how roughly he was rubbing. Mingyu handed him the small wastebasket for the tissues then waited patiently as Chan picked up his phone once more.

_Do u think wonwoo hyung hates me_

Mingyu shook his head slowly, confused. "Do you feel like everyone hates you or something? Because we don't. And I'm sorry if we're making you feel that way." Chan shrugged, quickly texting back a response before focusing back on the game.

_I think i just hate me rn._

Mingyu poked his tongue in his cheek, wishing there was something he could say that would make Chan feel better. He finally settled on awkwardly mumbling something about how it's not Chan's fault again. 

Chan sighed heavily, sounding older than he should ever have to, then sent him three successive texts, each more depressing than the previous one. _Wonwoo doesnt come talk to me anymore ever since the day that I started hallucinating and hurt myself. Ig he doesnt want to talk to someone whos fuckingcrazy. So it is my fault actually_

"Just talk to him. Wonwoo." Chan chuckled humorlessly, giving him a look as if to say _really_? "I'm serious. See how we're on the same page now? Just talk to whoever you're bothered by. You'll be happier after you work it out. I don't know what's wrong with you two, but I'm sure Wonwoo wants to figure it out too."

_I guess._

"I'll text him first for you if you want," Mingyu offered, already grabbing Chan's phone out of his hands and pulling up Wonwoo's contact. "See, he's responding already," Mingyu triumphantly announced a minute later. Chan snatched the phone back, staring intently at the three little dots, hope-filled face falling when the dots suddenly disappeared and stayed gone. He sullenly cast the phone aside and forced a small, sad smile for Mingyu, pretending as if Wonwoo's rejection didn't matter.

Mingyu picked it up and glared at the phone, not believing that Wonwoo had the audacity to read the message and not respond. There's no way he wouldn't know that that would crush Chan.

"It's okay," Mingyu rushed to say. 'Mingyu ruins everything' running through his mind again as he realized that he might've further messed up whatever was going on between Wonwoo and Chan. "Maybe he was going to respond but got sidetracked by something or-" he broke off at the sound of someone knocking on the door, sighing in relief when it opened to reveal Wonwoo who looked a mix of ashamed and guilty.

Mingyu watched as Chan mouthed the word hyung before getting up and shoving past him in his haste to get hugged by Wonwoo. Wonwoo caught him with a mumbled apology and a smile, relieved Chan didn't hate him for running away from him when he needed him. Wonwoo tightened his hold on Chan, peeking over the top of Chan's head to glance at Mingyu, confused why he was present. He shrugged and slowly walked Chan backwards until they reached Chan's bed, pushing lightly until Chan had fallen into a sitting position.

Mingyu continued watching from the floor, interested to see how this was going to play out. Wonwoo was supremely nonconfrontational so Mingyu couldn't imagine the older having a long, drawn out conversation detailing how sorry he was. 

There was no apology. There also wasn't any discussion. 

Honestly, Mingyu thought it was kind of unfair. After all, he had to have a long, uncomfortable, tear-filled conversation with Seungcheol for stealing his ice cream that one time. And Wonwoo'd gotten off with a hug. But this wasn't bad. It was actually really nice. Mingyu was pretty happy to be sandwiched between Wonwoo and the wall as all three of them sat on the bed to watch some dumb anime that Chan and Wonwoo seemed to enjoy. 

And hours later, when Wonwoo had gotten up to go to the bathroom and get refills on the drinks and snacks, Chan shyly tapped Mingyu on the shoulder and pointed at his phone that he'd left on the floor. His phone that was lit up with a new message. Mingyu pushed the pillow off of his lap to get up and fetch his phone, grinning at Chan once he read the message Chan had sent.

_Would u help me text my parents too?_

"Yeah, of course," he agreed easily, refraining from the urge to squeeze Chan with a hug as he sat back down. "So proud of you," he said instead. Chan'd essentially stopped communicating with his family entirely. It was a bit worrying, but everyone seemed to agree that Chan just needed some time to recuperate. 

His phone buzzed one more time, and Mingyu glanced down at it, smile slowly dropping as he read it over. _Nvm, not ready_. 

"Of course," he said quickly. "Take your time, Channie. Still proud of you." 

Chan hesitated then leaned over to pat Mingyu's hand. Mingyu glanced down at his hand, slowly intertwining their fingers together instead of addressing it and making Chan uncomfortable. He expected Chan to maybe just let him hold his hand, not expecting him to actually grip his hand harder. 

"You're really attached to this thing, huh," Mingyu gestured at the little stuffed tiger that Chan was clutching with his free hand.

Chan shrugged with a forced nonchalance. _Reminds me of Soonyoung ig._

"Interesting," Mingyu said slowly, letting go of Chan's hand once Wonwoo returned with a carefully balanced tray holding their chips and drinks. 

The stuffed tiger had stayed on his mind for a couple of days after that, so Mingyu did what he felt he needed to do.

He could barely contain his excitement once the package came in, showing it to the others first to get their professional opinions on it. And their professional opinions all seemed to agree that the bear was so hideous it had passed hideous and become oddly cute.

"Channie, look what I got you," Mingyu demanded, knocking hurriedly before bursting in the room where Chan was trying to nap. "Isn't it cute?" Chan looked away from the ceiling towards the ridiculously large and ugly teddy bear, unable to stop himself from snorting softly at Mingyu's enthusiasm. 

Chan pushed his glasses on before picking up his pencil and notepad. _For me?_

Mingyu beamed, pleased with himself for making Chan kind of smile. "For you," he confirmed as he walked over with the large plushie and deposited it on Chan's lap. "So you have something life-sized and not scary to hug."

Chan squeezed the brown bear as hard as he could, surprised by how soft its fur felt. _Thx._

"What are you going to name it?" Chan pointed at Mingyu with the butt of his pencil, then pointed back at the teddy. "You're going to name it after me? That's so sweet, I mean, it's the obvious thing to do, I guess." 

_Mingus Dingus_ is what came instead of the cute pet name Mingyu had been expecting. 

Mingyu shrugged. "Fair enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rec me good shows pls, quarantine has me a special kind of bored  
> Also stream home:run


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big tw//

Jun hadn’t wanted to come back from China so quickly. He would have preferred a couple more months, at the least, at home, since being constantly babied by his family was nice. It was more than nice. It was something he honestly hadn't expected to be able to have when they were in that basement.

But just like the world hadn't stopped just because they'd been kidnapped, the world didn't stop to let Jun recuperate.

Plus, Jun and the others had to go to the trials in person to testify against their kidnappers, despite the mountain of evidence and charges being piled against them. They were also supposed to give statements about how their lives had been affected by the crimes, which none of them were particularly excited about.

"Want to play with us?" Seokmin asked, holding up a pack of Yugioh cards. Jeonghan stepped out from behind him with two bottles of wine and a pillow.

Jun shrugged. "Sure," he agreed easily. It wasn't like he had anything better to do. He had been planning on just going straight to bed after dinner anyways.

Seokmin smiled, bright and infectious, before hooking an arm in the crook of Jun's elbow. "Great, let's go get Channie," he said, pulling Jun along.

"Chan?" Jun repeated, curious. It wasn't that he didn't want Chan to play with them, he just didn't think the younger would want to. He seemed to be in a daze most of the day, moping around in his bed until dinner, at which point he reluctantly got up to eat when Seungcheol threatened to force-feed him a protein shake if he didn't eat solid food. Jun couldn't blame Chan for his despondence. They were supposed to work together with their lawyers to write out a little speech detailing how the crimes had affected their lives, what had happened during the crime, etc. He couldn't imagine how Chan, Soonyoung, and Minghao must be feeling. Well. He could guess since Minghao and Soonyoung had already written theirs and had Jun read them over. But Chan seemed to be determined to push off writing, or even thinking about, his speech for as long as he possibly could despite Seungcheol's gentle offers to help him.

Seokmin pushed the door to his room open, flipping the lights on and beelining for Chan who was bundled up in bed.

"Look, he's asleep," Jun whispered, already in the process of ushering the others out of the room.

"No, he's just pretend-sleeping," Jeonghan dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Watch this," he said, leaning over to poke at Chan's cheek, grinning triumphantly when the corners of Chan's lips started to turn up and he rolled over to face the wall with a forced groan of frustration. "Wanna play cards with us, Channie?"

Chan sighed in faked frustration as he sat up, getting ready to adamantly refuse before catching sight of what they were playing with and bursting into quiet laughter. It was a nice sound. Jun was glad he'd healed enough to be able to speak again. "I- You're playing with Yugioh cards? While drinking old people wine?" Jeonghan raised an eyebrow. "I would like to play," he admitted begrudingly.

Jeonghan grinned at Jun. "Chan doesn't really sleep and he refuses to take his sleeping pills," he explained casually. "If you're bored and can't fall asleep, just hang out with him until you're sleepy."

Even though Jeonghan had said all of that so confidently, Chan's eyelids had started drooping by 12:30, and he'd politely refused to play the next round after losing terribly to Jeonghan. Instead he moved to rest his head on Jeonghan's lap, sleepily watching the other two play, snickering every so often at the unnecessarily heated game. And by 12:45, he was out for the count, Jeonghan playing with his hair to keep him asleep.

"We should put him back in bed and get out of here," Jun whispered as soon as he noticed that Chan was asleep. Jeonghan nodded, gently patting Chan's cheek and telling him to get in bed. Chan's eyes fluttered open, taking a moment to suck in a deep breath before tiredly getting to his feet. Jun glanced at the other two, wondering if they'd seen the same things he'd seen as Chan had woken up. The way his eyes had widened, full of fear and panic, nails immediately digging into the skin of his palms. But looking at Seokmin and Jeonghan's faces, he could tell they hadn't noticed. And Jun himself probably wouldn't have noticed, since Chan's reactions were so small and subtle, if it wasn't the exact same way he reacted when waking up.

It hurted to see.

Jeonghan helped him into bed before pushing the other two out of the room and flipping the lights off.

"Hyung, could you stay with me?"

All three of them turned around to stare at Chan who was blinking blearily at them. He noticed all of them looking back at him then quickly specified Jun.

"Why Junhui?" Jeonghan muttered as he left with Seokmin. "I'm a good person to stay with too."

Jun mocked Jeonghan's whining with a snicker before turning back to Chan. "What's up?"

Chan just shook his head, sitting up and leaning with his back against the wall. Jun carefully pushed the plushies to the side before sitting next to him on the bed, smiling softly when Chan leaned on his shoulder and interlocked their fingers.

"How do you feel?" Jun asked after a couple of minutes of sitting in silence.

"I'm really, really tired," he finally said, voice thick with fatigue. "I can't sleep for long."

"Why don't you take your sleeping pills then?"

Chan sighed, rubbing the top of Jun's knuckles with the pad of his thumb. "I don't want to sleep through nightmares all the time," he answered.

Jun nodded along knowingly. He didn't get nightmares as often as Chan seemed to be getting them, but he still hated to deal with them.

"Is it because we have to go to the-"

"I don't want to," Chan interrupted, sounding like his voice was clogged with tears. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his yellow hoodie before attempting to say something but failing miserably.

Jun blinked. He didn't think he'd make Chan cry so quickly, but here he was, letting go of Chan's hands to grab the box of tissues on the nightstand. Jun watched as Chan dabbed a tissue at his cheeks, wondering how he'd magically guessed what Jun was going to ask. Chan said something sadly, words lost in the sound of him blowing his nose. "What'd you say?"

Chan swallowed, doing his best to stop crying. "They're gonna laugh at me. At the hearing."

Jun just hugged him tightly. He wished he could say that no, no one would dare to laugh at someone as pure and innocent, but it wasn't true. Though the majority of people seemed to agree that what had happened to Chan was despicable and disgusting, that 1% of people who enjoyed his pain were enough to ruin Chan's confidence and happiness. Some people just wanted to watch the world burn, even if that meant hurting an innocent person. Instead of trying to deny it, Jun settled on promising to fight anyone who even so much as smiled in Chan's direction.

Chan shook his head sadly. "You can't fight everyone."

" _Everyone'_ s not laughing," Jun corrected. "Only people that aren't- are e- are bad people are laughing," he said, aware he was starting to lose what he was trying to say. "What I'm trying to say is, if anyone I know laughs at you, they're automatically not my friend anymore."

Chan fell silent for a minute, seemingly thinking Jun's words over. "Why shouldn't they laugh at me?" he finally asked. "I'm a fucking joke."

Jun didn't enjoy where Chan's thinking process seemed to be. He felt like Chan was, for whatever reason, shifting all of the blame and humiliation onto himself. "Why do you think you're a joke? You didn't do anything wrong."

Chan's face flushed a brilliant red, a clear indication that he was thinking about what had happened in the past. He opened his mouth to speak before changing his mind and shaking his head instead.

"No? Don't want to talk about it?" Jun asked, wanting to make sure he wasn't pushing Chan too far. "That's ok, you don't have to."

"I-" Chan tried before breaking off, hesitating. Jun nodded, encouraging Chan to go ahead, fairly certain there was something he wanted to say, but couldn't make himself say it aloud. "I- I must have de-deserved it," he finally managed.

Jun sighed, letting Chan hide his face in Jun's shirt. "You know, he said that I was his first choice, and that they would take me next," Jun said slowly. "Do you think I deserve something like that happening to me?"

Chan stared up at him in shock, clearly not having expected the question. "No, I don't want anything to ever happen to you, hyung, I swear," Chan said, face a little bit desperate for Jun to not think Chan hated him.

"I believe you," Jun reassured, squeezing him by the shoulders as Chan moved to hide his face once more. "If I don't deserve bad things happening to me, why would you deserve them?"

Chan fell silent once more. Jun let him stay sullenly in his arms as he comprehended what Jun had said.

"Have you talked to your therapist about all this?" Jun asked after a few minutes. "They should be able to help you think things through better than I can."

Chan hesitated before shaking his head. "You're the only one I've told, ever," he confessed. "I think you get it," Chan muttered. "You look the same way I do."

"Devastatingly handsome?"

Chan punched his arm lightly, rolling his eyes at Jun's dumb joke. "You look like you can't forget what happened either."

Jun shrugged with a forced nonchalance, but it continued to bother him, even after Chan had fallen asleep next to him. It didn't make sense to him. Out of the four of them, Jun should've been the least traumatized. He hadn't been hurt physically, so why was he so damn damaged mentally?

"You. Come here."

Jun blinked rapidly at the harsh light, so used to the pitch-black darkness of the basement, before belatedly realizing that the man had been speaking to him. It wasn't like Soonyoung or Minghao could walk yet. He scrambled to his feet after gently pushing Minghao's head off of his lap and onto the floor next to him. As he approached the light from the open door, he wondered once more what they'd done with Chan when they'd taken him a couple of hours ago, and presumably what they were going to do with him now.

The man caught onto his wrist once he was close enough, dragging Jun along after him. Jun resisted the urge to shake his hand off, fully aware that they would probably just hurt one of the other three if Jun were to be "rebellious".

"My girlfriend's coming over in the evening and I can't have my room looking and smelling like this," the man said as he pulled Jun up out of the basement and through a remarkably clean and pretty house. There were even flowers tied up with a bow and a heart-shaped cake sitting next to it on a table _. Happy Birthday_ , Jun read on the lettering as they passed by the cake. It wasn't right. Their kidnappers had nice lives and girlfriends, all while they had kidnapped and hurt four innocent people. Jun did his best to ignore the unjustness of it all and focus instead on the path he was being taken on. Maybe he could figure out a way for them to escape or at least call for help since there were what appeared to be fully-functioning phones on the walls. "You're gonna clean it up, make it look and smell nice. Change the sheets. I don't want them smelling like your friend."

"Why would the sheets smell like my friend?" Jun asked before he could stop himself, regretting it as soon as the man turned to leer at him with a promise that he'll see why soon.

And he did.

As soon as they turned into the first bedroom on the second floor, Jun was hit by the nauseating stench followed by the sight of someone motionlessly curled up on the bed. Someone who was Chan's height and build and was covered in blood, bruises, and other things. The man was watching his face carefully, clearly taking a perverse pleasure in Jun's horrified reaction to what they'd done to Chan.

"Ch-Chan?"

"Hey, hurry up and take him off the bed already."

Jun swallowed, reaching out towards Chan's limp form with quivering fingers. He couldn't be dead, right? They couldn't have been that cruel, right? Except. They really were that cruel.

They had been that cruel when they'd beat Soonyoung and Minghao up for "talking back". And they had been that cruel when they'd refused to feed them for a week straight, a gallon of water a day the only thing keeping them going.

"What? He's not dead, just put him on the floor and clean the room already," the man said impatiently. Jun ignored him, hesitantly tapping Chan's shoulder to see if he was awake. The man glared at Jun angrily then kicked Chan in the stomach hard enough to harshly shove him onto the floor. Chan let out a small, pained groan before clutching his stomach in pain.

"Please don't hurt him," Jun pleaded desperately, throwing himself in the way to block the man from Chan. "I'll clean the room, and do whatever else you want, _please_ stop."

Thankfully the man backed off with a snigger and a repulsive comment about Chan, sitting in the chair across the room after positioning the chair so he could watch them. Jun glanced at the younger who was still cowering in pain and fear, then back up at the room. He wanted to check on Chan but couldn't for fear of incurring the man's annoyance again.

Instead he got to work changing the stained bedsheets and pillowcases with new ones from the linen closet, turning the ceiling fan on and opening the windows, and vacuuming the floor, sighing in relief once the man begrudgingly approved of his work.

Jun glanced at Chan's clothes and then at Chan who had curled up into a fetal position in an attempt to try to cover himself. It must be hellish to be covered in someone else's fluids like this.

"Can- Can I clean him up, please? In the shower?"

The man looked him up and down with an uncomfortable sort of interest before shrugging. "Don't make a mess," he said disinterestedly. "But while you're doing that, why don't you clean yourself up too? You're next. You're better looking, I told them you should've been first." The man paused, seemingly deep in thought. "But they said your company would pay more if we got the youngest first."

Jun stared at him in shocked disgust, shuddering before he leaned down to hook an arm under Chan's knees and one around his back to carry him to the next door bathroom. He wasn't going to ruin Chan's opportunity to a hot shower just because he couldn't hold his tongue.

Jun glanced down when he heard Chan mutter something, leaning down to hear more clearly and heart immediately breaking when he heard Chan pleading for him to stop and let him go. "Channie-ah, it's me, Junhui," he whispered despite the lump in his throat. "I'm not gonna hurt you, I just want to help you clean up, and then we can go back to Soonyoung and Minghao, okay?"

Chan didn't say anything but he did at least stop his desperate pleading and gripped the front of Jun's hoodie with one small fist. The other fist was delicately placed on his own chest, and to Jun's dismay, absolutely fucking broken.

"What did they do to your hand?" he asked once they were inside the bathroom, Chan deposited on the edge of the sink. Jun locked the door even though he knew it would probably make them mad, figuring that Chan deserved at least basic privacy after whatever the hell they had done to him. He perused the cabinets, finding a couple of bandaids and a bottle of antiseptic next to some antibiotics and pain medication. They'd have to do for basic first aid. "What did they do to _you_?"

"You know what they did," Chan whispered hoarsely, face flushing a brilliant scarlet. Jun mutely watched as Chan did his best to keep from sobbing. He hated their captors more than he already did, something he hadn't thought himself capable of. "Please don't make me fucking say it."

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything," Jun consoled, letting Chan continue to try not to cry. He stepped around him to turn the shower on before changing his mind and running the bath. Thankfully there was a lavender soap, shampoo, and conditioner set so Jun wouldn't have to put the ultra-masculine smoky wood scented 3-in-1 garbage on Chan and make him suffer more. "Get in the tub, please," he said once the tub had filled with warm water. This house really was too nice for the human garbage that was occupying it.

Jun held him by the shoulders as he slowly entered the water, hissing as the water made contact with his cuts and bruises. Jun hated how the water had turned a light shade of pink with his blood but chose to ignore it, instead handing Chan the lavender body wash and grabbing the shampoo. "I don't know how long they'll let us stay in here, so let's do this quickly, Channie."

Chan stared at the bottle he was holding then up at Jun helplessly, Jun belatedly remembering that one of Chan's hands was pretty much out of commission. He quickly apologized before pouring the soap into Chan's hand and lathering it for him.

Chan didn't move.

He sighed heavily.

"Could you just push my head under water until I'm, you know, done?"

Jun swallowed. How was he supposed to respond to a question like that?

"Don't talk like that," Jun scolded instead of answering, pretending to focus on thoroughly massaging the shampoo into Chan's roots. Maybe the soothing motions would clear Chan's head and calm him down. "Once the company pays, then we-"

"The company already paid," Chan interrupted.

Jun froze, blood running cold at those words. "What do you mean they already paid?"

Chan sobbed into his knees, arms tightening around them. "They already paid the ransom, hyung. They're just going to keep hurting us to try to get more and more money until- until we're not here anymore." He looked up, eyes full of fear. "I-I don’t wanna die like that."

"They-" Jun cut himself off, not sure what to say to the new information. "They can't-they won’t kill us. They need us alive to keep making money."

"They might as well have just finished me off, Junhui-hyung." Chan scoffed bitterly. Jun was really not sure what to do with this Chan. This hurt, traumatized Chan, so unlike the super hopeful, fake cheery Chan that he'd been just hours ago. "One of them started choking me, and something in my neck kind of snapped, you know? So, I guess, I won't be having a career after this."

"No, I don’t know," Jun replied, carefully moving his hands from Chan's hair to his neck to gently try to feel out what Chan was talking about. To his growing horror, there really did seem to be a depression in his throat that wasn't supposed to be there. "What the hell?"

"I think it was my voice box," Chan said, sullenly allowing Jun to prod at his throat. "Can't wait for it to give out completely, and then no one will be able to hear me scream."

The both of them froze when someone tried to turn the doorknob and enter the bathroom. Jun let out a small sigh of relief when he remembered that he'd locked the door before, hoping that the person on the other side would just leave now. They didn’t. Instead they banged on the door, and yelled at them to hurry up and get out.

Jun shouted back a quick noise of agreement before rushing to help Chan rinse off the soap and shampoo, groaning in frustration when instead of leaving and coming back once they were done, the man had started taunting them through the door.

"Baby, come open the door for oppa. Why don't you tell the Chinese boy what you were doing with all six of your oppas for so long? He'll need to know for his turn."

Chan stiffened, the utter humiliation clear on his face before he covered his face as best as he could with his hand, peeking through the cracks in his fingers like he wanted, needed to gauge Jun's reaction to check if he was now disgusted by him.

"Don't listen to him," Jun said, calmly entering the bathtub, not bothered by the fact that he was still fully clothed. He'd never once in his life felt the urge to physically attack someone, but this guy was making him feel plenty of violent emotions he hadn't known were even possible. "You know none of us care."

"None of us care," the man repeated mockingly. He was being sadistic for no reason other than his own amusement and it made Jun hate him more and more. "I'll bet you don't. You know, he did such a good job even though he said he hadn't done anything like that before. Someone had to just break his fingers first to get him to cooperate though. He cried like a little bitch the whole time."

Instead of responding, Jun grabbed Chan's good hand. They made eye contact and with a shared nod, dove down under the water, doing their best to stay submerged.

Jun didn't know what he was expecting. Maybe for his life to flash before his eyes in a stupid video montage of all of his happy moments. Instead he got soapy water burning his eyes since he couldn't take his eyes off of Chan who also seemed to be struggling to stay under.

"I can't do it," Jun whispered in dismay, his body forcing him back up from under the water after a minute and a half. "This is really hard to do." Chan coughed before trying once more, this time his hands grabbing onto Jun's and guiding them to the top of his head. Jun recoiled like he'd been burnt. "Stop that," Jun scolded, watching as Chan defeatedly reemerged from the water. "I can't do that, Channie, I can't kill you." His eyes widened at the words, suddenly realizing the severity of their would-be actions. How he'd gone ahead and okayed a dual suicide. Jun didn't know what he'd been thinking. He wasn't thinking. It had just all been too much for him. The news that they were being kept hostage without any plans for them to be returned. Soonyoung and Minghao, still unconscious in the basement. The fact that they were planning to do to him what they'd already done to Chan. " _Oh my-_ Chan, I don't want to die."

Chan shrugged. "I do." And it was true. Looking at Chan's expression, his eyes, Jun could tell he wasn't lying. The men had broken him, turned him suicidal, and Jun had almost gone ahead and let him go through with it. It was unforgivable on his part.

"Chan, no, we're not- we can't- we have things to do, things to live for! We're not killing ourselves. You don't want to die, Channie, please." He kept saying "we", but it was really more "you". Jun didn't know what he'd do to himself if Chan died and he'd endorsed it. The guilt would probably kill him. "Okay? Promise me you won't do anything to yourself. Promise me!" he demanded, shaking Chan by the shoulders. Chan flinched back, slapping Jun's hands away before protecting his face with his hands. Jun felt terrible. Not only had he just let Chan decide to suicide, he'd also yelled at him which was probably the last thing he needed right now. He forced himself to calm down, breathing in through his nose then out through his mouth. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he finally mumbled.

Chan nodded in response, but still refused to make eye contact with the older or look up from his arms. It reminded of the time he'd accidentally stepped on a stray dog's tail. The poor thing was already so emaciated and sickly and Jun had accidentally put him in more pain.

Belatedly, Jun realized the man had stopped yelling at the bathroom door.

"He- He left," Jun announced, the only somewhat happy thing he'd said all week. "He left us alone, Channie." He got to his feet unsteadily, weighed down by all the water soaking his clothes and shoes. It was a bit of a struggle, but he made it out of the bathtub without slipping, and moved to check the cabinets for clean towels, thankfully finding them fully loaded with clean, folded towels. Jun grabbed two, placing one on his own head and holding the other out to Chan, raising an eyebrow when Chan didn't make any indication of noticing him.

"You’re not helping me because nothing's happened to you yet," Chan bit out without looking up at Jun. "It's easy for you to sit there and tell me I have to live."

Jun sighed, placing the towel on the sink and sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. "Do you want to live? Chan-ah? Can you seriously say that you don't want to live?"

Chan glared at him even though his bottom lip was quivering uncontrollably. For a moment, Jun thought he'd scream at him for being so stupid, before the anger left him and he visibly deflated. "Of course I want to live," he whispered, letting Jun take hold of his hand and clench it tightly. "I'm scared, hyung. I'm fucking terrified. I don't want to die like this." 

"It’s ok, Channie, I'm really scared too," he admitted, dropping the towel on Chan's hair to start to dry his hair. "We can't just kill ourselves, though. You know, your mom would be sad, my mom would be-"

He cut off at the sound of a door slamming open somewhere in the house, followed by shouts and the sounds of people rushing in.

There was a lot of noise.

Something was up.

"What was that?" Chan asked, voice barely audible, squeaking in fear when someone banged on the bathroom door once more, followed by them yanking at the doorknob.

"Open the door," the man from before shouted, jiggling the doorknob desperately. The man's voice was no longer grossly amused, it was full of fear. Jun wasn't scared though. The absurdity honestly made him want to laugh. He'd been terrorizing all four of them for a week straight and now the power balance had shifted thanks to a sturdy doorknob and door. "As soon as I get in here, I'm gonna kill one of you and ruin the other one! Now whoever doesn’t want to fucking die, will open. The. Fucking. Door!" Chan whimpered, burying his face deeper into Jun's chest as the man's demands got louder and more violent with each shake of the doorknob. Jun patted Chan's wet hair even as he considered getting these surprisingly well-made doorknobs for their apartment. "Open the fucking- agh!"

Jun cautiously got to his feet, patting Chan's hair comfortingly when he grabbed Jun's wrist while desperately shaking his head no. "I'm not letting him in, I'm just gonna see if I can see what's happening from under the door," he whispered, placing a finger to his lips.

He crouched on the floor, doing his best to look through the crack of space between the floor and the door. It was a confusing sight. There were a lot of black shoes. Jun couldn't tell much else.

He jumped back when whoever it was knocked, almost politely.

"It's the police! You have until the count of five to open this door. Five, four, thr-"

Jun nervously fiddled with the lock on the door, praying that it was really the police. If it wasn't- He didn't know what he would do if it wasn’t. He supposed it would end up okay as long as whoever it was didn't take hurt Chan or him or the others any further. So Jun crossed his fingers for good luck before unlocking it. The door burst open and Jun was pushed to the floor, knocking the air out of his stomach as the next thing he knew he was staring down the barrel of a gun and a scowl.

Jun could faintly make out Chan sobbing again, pleading with them to not shoot Jun and let him go.

"You- You're Wen Junhui, right?"

Jun sighed in relief at the recognition in the officer's voice, stiffening when the officer's gaze shifted from him to Chan who was still in the bathtub, sobs fading into light sniffles. Chan who must have been feeling so uncomfortably exposed in front of this group of strangers.

"Lee Chan?" the officer guessed.

Jun nodded, wordlessly grabbing another towel for Chan to wrap around himself. That done, he turned back to the police.

"We need help," Jun said quietly, doing his best to keep his lip from wobbling. He didn't want to look weak in front of the police, and especially not Chan. "They just hurt him bad and I was helping but." At this point he's aware he's stopped speaking in proper sentences, words not cooperating with his brain, but Chan's gripping his hand tightly, trusting Jun to speak for the both of them.

"Where are the others? There's two more, Kwon Soonyoung and Xu Minghao, right?" One of the officers asked.  
Jun stared dumbly at them before his brain finally turned on. "They kept us in the basement for the most part. There's a hidden door to the basement and you can't get out from the inside of the room. They should still be in there."

He turned to look at the others, sharing a glance before nodding. "Could you show us where the basement is?"

Jun immediately agreed, before realizing that Chan wasn't exactly equipped to walk the whole way by himself. "Are you okay to stay here with them?" Jun asked, beaming proudly when Chan nodded despite the dread in his expression. "I'll be back as fast as I can," he promised with one last squeeze. It was difficult to leave Chan by himself, but he managed, leading the officers through the house to the basement, answering their questions as best as he could. Some of the questions made sense. Like how many people did Jun see that were directly involved, a sense of relief coming over him when Jun's number of people matched up with the number of people the police had arrested. They were somewhat safe now. Other questions the officers had asked felt annoying or too intrusive, given the current circumstances. But he couldn't blame them. He knew they were just trying to do their jobs.

Once he'd ensured that Soonyoung and Minghao were safe and in an ambulance, more grateful than he'd thought possible that the two of them hadn't been touched or bothered when Jun had to go, he made his way back up to see Chan. To his growing horror, Chan had seemingly also passed out and was being transferred from the floor to a stretcher.

"Is he okay?" Jun frantically asked the attending EMT. He didn't know why, but seeing Chan's still form made him feel like Chan was _dead_. "Why's he- What happened while I was gone?"

The woman smiled sympathetically at Jun before carefully explaining that he had passed out from pain and general exhaustion. Jun sighed in relief as he crouched down to study Chan's still-wet face, suddenly hit with the reminder that he was also still in his own wet clothing and shoes.

"Could I get a blanket please?" Jun asked, quickly specifying a blanket from the ambulance or police cars. He could do without ever seeing or touching another thing from this terrible house or the terrible people occupying it ever again. Blanket obtained, he insisted on riding in the ambulance with Chan, not wanting the younger to wake up and get frightened, despite all the officers recommending he get checked over in his own ambulance.

He rode with Chan in somewhat of a daze, fighting to keep his eyes open and focused on what the EMT's were doing to Chan.

He didn't even realize they'd reached the hospital until he was being escorted out of the ambulance and onto his own stretcher.

But he still couldn't force his body to relax enough to fall asleep, just barely able to keep his fingers from clenching so tightly that they start to draw blood. "Could I please borrow a phone?" he asked the nurses pushing his bed, smiling gratefully when one of them handed over their personal phone despite Jun's hands being covered in absolute grease.

He managed to put in the numbers he knew by heart into the touchscreen despite his trembling hands, finally allowing himself to cry once he heard the voice he hadn't thought he'd ever get the privilege of hearing again.

Jun swallowed his tears, not wanting his mother to hear him cry.

"Mom, I- We're back home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was good enough, I kept writing and rewriting but I'm still not happy with it.  
> Let me know if you enjoyed the chapter or not. 
> 
> Also, please click on the 7cups link: https://www.7cups.com/110797189  
> It'll really help me out bc I need 40 referral clicks for my 7cups internship to get volunteer hours :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG TW// If you're uncomfy w talks of self-harm/suicide, pls dont read

Chan clenched his fist tightly at the sound of someone carefully opening the door. He stared as someone, _Seungkwan_ , he had to use names or else he'd start to panic, tiptoed into his room and flipped the lights on.

"You're awake already?" Seungkwan asked, a pout on his face. "Or did I wake you up?"

Chan pouted back in mock irritation, making sure to keep any traces of annoyance out of his voice. "You woke me up, hyung. What are you doing here?" Sure, he'd been awake until 3 am, and woken up again at 4:30 but nobody needed to know that. It would only lead to annoying questions about his sleeping pills and antidepressants. It wasn't like either of those things kept him from feeling like someone was crawling through his bedroom window or the door to hurt him.

Seungkwan apologized, looking childishly guilty until Chan lifted the edge of his blanket to let him in. Seungkwan grinned at him fondly before climbing into the bed as well, scooching a little bit too close. Lately he'd been more affectionate than usual, and even though it made him a bit uncomfortable he still couldn't say he particularly minded.

"I'm here 'cause I wanted to hang out with my favorite dongsaeng before we had to go," Seungkwan said, squeezing him tightly before mumbling a small, playful jab about how Chan had stayed in bed for the entire last week. It was true though. Every time he'd tried to get up, the hopelessness of the situation would hit him and he'd end up staying under the blanket, pinching at his thighs to stay grounded. 

Chan felt his stomach turn to ice as he suddenly remembered that they had group schedules today, he was going to be all alone until they got back. Seungcheol had told him a while ago but it'd completely left his mind. "I-Is- Who’s going?"

Seungkwan patted his hair knowingly. "Soonyoung-hyung's staying with you, don't worry."

"Okay," Chan said quietly, a little embarrassed he'd gotten panicked in front of someone else. He cleared his throat then quickly changed the subject. "What time is it?"

"5:30," Seungkwan said, muffling a yawn with one hand. "But I got ready kind of early."

"That's new," Chan said teasingly. "Normally you're the last one."

Seungkwan flicked his forehead lightly but stayed silent. Chan tried to break the silence, only belatedly realizing that Seungkwan had fallen asleep next to him. He almost dozed off himself when Hansol walked in and wordlessly got in as well, pushing Seungkwan closer to Chan. 

"When do you guys have to leave?" Chan whispered, glancing at Hansol over the top of Seungkwan's hair.

Hansol shrugged, handing him a wireless earphone instead of responding. Chan accepted the earphone, happy to just sit together and listen to English music as opposed to talking. Seungcheol came into the room after a half hour to call Hansol and Seungkwan, and give Chan his medication before rushing out the door.

Seungkwan groaned aloud, grumbling something about how early it is. He slid out from the middle, apparently not fazed by the fact that Hansol had appeared sometime during his nap. Chan turned to watch Hansol leave, a little startled to find him already sitting up and staring thoughtfully back at him.

"You should write your thing today, Soonyoung-hyung will help you," Hansol said. "He already wrote his."

Chan agreed hastily and handed him his earphone back, hurriedly ushering both of them out of his room so that he could stare at the wall and count out his breathing to calm down. He hated how he seemed to forget how to breath when something would trigger his anxiety. It was mortifyingly obvious when he was upset, and it was even worse that people would drop what they were doing to coddle him. He briefly considered taking the pills before quickly deciding against it and flinging the pills under the bed, not wanting a repeat of what had happened with Wonwoo.

But.

Hansol's words had reminded him of what had happened in the near past. Like how they'd been plucked up in their company van on their way back from their schedule. And now, everyone was going back to schedules, exposing themselves to the same dangers the four of them had already undergone. He pressed his nails into his feet at the possibility that once the eleven of them left, they might not be returning.

"Hey, Soonyoung's sleeping on my bed, okay?"

Chan flinched, quickly stealing a glance to see who it was before quickly looking back down, not wanting Wonwoo to see the apprehension on his face.

"What's wrong?"

So much for that.

Wonwoo approached him slowly, timidly resting one hand on his hair. When Chan didn't recoil away, he crouched down to engulf him in a bear hug from behind. "Are you scared about being left alone with Soonyoung? Sorry, we just assumed you'd be okay with- Let me see if I can get-"

"It's not that, hyung," Chan interjected. He didn't want to be rude by cutting Wonwoo short but he also didn't want Soonyoung to end up feeling like he hated him.

"Is it because we're leaving?"

Chan nodded slowly. "I-I'm scared something's going to happen to you guys," he admitted.

Chan could tell Wonwoo was endeared by him, judging by how he was hugging him even tighter, but he felt like Wonwoo wasn't quite getting it. _Anything_ could happen out there.

"Does your phone have battery? Take a charger with you," Chan said, trying his best to squirm out of Wonwoo's grip to give him his own phone charger. Wonwoo wasn't having it though, just squeezing even harder.

"I have my charger and my phone's at full battery," Wonwoo said. "How about I text you when we get there, and when we leave? I can also share my phone's location with you if that makes you feel better."

Chan didn’t answer verbally, twisting around to hug him back in gratitude, only releasing him once their manager called for Wonwoo to hurry up. Wonwoo patted his hair one last time before standing to leave. Chan watched him go with a heavy heart, still unable to let go of his dread.

"Bye, hyung, I love you," Chan called after him, smiling sadly when Wonwoo repeated the words back but still left.

He remained on the floor, staring at the wall with his back hunched over, moving only when his phone dinged. Chan unlocked his phone, unsurprised by the notification that Wonwoo was sharing his location. Chan got to his feet, quickly checking that the windows and doors were securely locked and the security were still outside their dorm before locating a sleeping Soonyoung in Wonwoo's room.

Chan called his name hesitantly, not wanting to wake him up if he was asleep but also wanting to get his permission to stay with him.

"Did they leave already?" Soonyoung asked, blinking blearily.

Chan nodded and stood there awkwardly with one hand clutching his phone, wishing Soonyoung would ask him to stay.

"Come sleep," Soonyoung commanded, shifting to the side and patting the now empty space. "You look like shit. Have you slept within the last month?"

"I didn't come here to get toasted," Chan pouted. Soonyoung just grinned and made grabby hands at him, Chan sighing and grabbing ahold of his hands. Soonyoung pulled him until he was sitting and hooked his chin over Chan's shoulder.

"Whatcha looking at?" Soonyoung asked, studying Chan's phone screen. He stared at the map open on his phone, a small red dot navigating the streets.

Damn.

Chan'd forgotten that he'd opened Wonwoo's location and hadn't ever turned it off. Chan was sure Soonyoung would understand if he explained himself, but he was still scared Soonyoung would think he was odd for clinging onto Wonwoo virtually. He mumbled out his answer, groaning internally when Soonyoung asked him to repeat it clearly.

He quietly explained his fears to Soonyoung, both relieved and unsurprised that Soonyoung just pinched his cheek and called him a cutie for being worried about his hyungs.

"Are you going to stay up and watch that until they get there?" Soonyoung asked, hand moving from Chan's cheek to the small hairs at the back of his head. "I'll watch with you if you want," he offered despite looking tired enough to drop.

"You can go back to sleep," Chan replied, moving to lay down with his head pillowed on Soonyoung's bicep.

Soonyoung hummed noncommittally, hooking an arm and a leg around him before pulling the blankets up to cover the both of them. "Do you want me to give you more space?" Soonyoung asked, breath tickling Chan's neck.

"I'm fine, hyung," Chan reassured. He didn't feel the best with the thought that Soonyoung would be clinging to him the whole time, but he got the feeling that maybe Soonyoung needed this, even if Chan didn't.

True to his suspicions, Soonyoung started sniffling about twenty minutes after falling asleep.

"It's okay, hyung, you're still at home," Chan murmured, running his fingers through Soonyoung's hair. He didn't like hearing the older's distressed whimpers. Soonyoung of all people didn't deserve to be plagued by nightmares. He was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to try to wake up someone in the middle of a nightmare, so he settled for just petting him until it passed. "It's just a dream, hyung. You're safe." 

Thankfully, Soonyoung calmed down relatively quickly and Chan returned to watching Wonwoo's location continue to move across the city, sighing in relief once they reached the studio and Wonwoo texted him that they'd gotten there safely. He didn't think he would fall asleep, but he'd been so bored just staring at the ceiling and the in-and-out movement of Soonyoung's breathing was enough to lull him to sleep.

Chan woke up what felt like moments later, though it must have been hours later judging by the amount of sunlight lighting up the room. He blinked, taking his time to observe his surroundings before shoving the warm blanket off and grabbing his phone off of the nightstand. Soonyoung was at Wonwoo's computer, playing League as quietly as he could, despite how loud he was snickering as he whispered to someone over the gaming headset. Chan made his way to Soonyoung, peering curiously over his shoulder.

"Baby's awake," Soonyoung announced happily to whoever he was talking to. "Wanna say hi to Jooheon, Channie?" Chan quickly shook his head, backing up a few steps. He was totally unprepared to speak to anyone other than the other twelve. Which was a bit of a problem considering how Soonyoung, Junhui, and Minghao all seemed to have a much easier time of talking to people. Thankfully, Soonyoung didn't make a big deal about it, just shrugging and letting Jooheon know he was leaving to make lunch. Soonyoung stretched before standing up and pulling Chan along to the kitchen.

"You must have been really, really tired, Channie," Soonyoung observed absentmindedly. "After I woke up, you kept sleeping for five hours."

Chan's brows furrowed. _Five hours?_ "What time is it?"

"2:45," Soonyoung mumbled, opening the fridge and cabinets to check the contents of them before settling on kimchi, rice, and eggs. "You still look a little bit sick, though," he muttered, placing one cold palm on Chan's forehead to gauge his temperature. He nodded to himself then guided Chan to the living room couch. "Just rest for a while." He was about to return to the kitchen before suddenly halting and glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. "You should write your statement."

Chan felt tears pricking his eyes. He didn't understand why they couldn't just let it go. "I don't have anything to say to them," he said in a weak, watery voice.

Soonyoung sighed. "Yes, you do. You look like you have a lot to say, but you're too scared to say it." He grabbed one of the notepads and a pen off of the counter and placed them in Chan's trembling fingers. Soonyoung clearly felt guilty since he visibly softened and pulled him into a warm hug, resting his chin on Chan's head. Chan didn't bother reciprocating. "Just write what you can, and I'll help you to clean it up after we eat."

Chan stared ahead before glancing up at Soonyoung. "Can I borrow your phone?" he asked, careful to keep his voice monotone. "I want to look up what I have to write."

Soonyoung gave him his unlocked phone without a second thought. Someone's case of Air Pods were left on the coffee table next to a stack of papers, so Chan snagged those too, hastily pairing them with Soonyoung's phone and pulling up Google on an incognito tab. Chan didn't want to, but he knew what he had to look up before ever even considering stepping foot out in public. He typed his name in with shaking fingers, accidentally typing in the wrong letters multiple times.

He finally got his name in and clicked on the videos tab to quickly scroll through them and choose one.

He'd been scrolling for a couple of seconds before realizing that something was off. All of the videos had almost the same picture of him being used as a thumbnail. Chan studied the picture for a minute, doing his best to place when the picture had been taken and why it was being used, suddenly remembering that Jeonghan had taken it. It was an innocent five-second video of him that Jeonghan had taken and posted about a month ago. He didn't remember what or why but Jeonghan said something and it had made him laugh. He'd been genuinely happy then, for a fleeting couple of minutes. Chan didn't know why a screenshot from it was being used as a thumbnail in all these videos. He clicked on the first video, dread running through his body at the title that was condemning him.

"I'm just going to put it out there, he looks really happy. This is not the face of someone who was assaulted."

He couldn't breathe.

Chan could barely focus through the overly chipper intro, impatiently skipping ahead until the video of him flashed on the screen. The three people on what appeared to be a podcast or radio show were intently watching the video of him on an Ipad before glancing at each other and bursting into laughter.

Chan bit his lip nervously. He didn't want to watch the video. It was clear that the three people were gearing up to start making fun of him. But Chan needed to know what people thought about him. If they thought the same things he was thinking about himself.

"I have had friends who've been assaulted in the past" the woman said. "And no one's experience is the same, of course, but none of them reacted the way this guy has."

"And, this was a fully grown man- Have you seen how strong this guy was? I'm just saying, he could've fought back, _unless-_ "

The woman cut him off with a gasp. "Unless he secretly wanted it!" 

The man grinned. "Exactly! Was- Sorry _, is_ this man a closeted gay? Who else in these groups is like this?"

Chan tried to breathe to a 4-count, failing miserably. He didn't know why he hadn't already turned his phone off or clicked off of the video. He couldn't. As much as he hated it, he wanted, no, _needed_ to know what they, and the rest of the world were thinking.

"It's going to happen again," the man said, voice matter-of-fact and smug. Chan's lungs had stopped working and he was going to die. Good, he thought bitterly. Then at least nothing like that would happen again. "There's literally no way no one wouldn't not try. Especially with the way these idols get marketed. And the sex tape. It was hot, right? Who else watched it?"

"Oh my- Chan, _fucking breathe_."

Someone's voice cut through the sounds playing on his Airpods, that same someone harshly yanking the earphones out of his ears. The sounds of harsh panting, maybe his own, replacing the words he was listening to.

Chan grabbed blindly for the earphones, still panicking too much to be able to really focus on where they were.

Vaguely he could make out someone, Soonyoung, pleading with him to breathe before he passed out. But he couldn't. Chan couldn't make himself remember how to breathe any more than he could stop himself from watching the video.

"Oh, shi- Are you going to throw up?" Soonyoung asked, running back to the kitchen to retrieve a wastebin for him to throw up into before their couch could get ruined. Chan barely grasped onto the rim of the bin to wretch into, stomach and throat burning at the gross taste of bile. Soonyoung rubbed his back as he threw up, carefully tying up and throwing out the trash bag before returning and offering Chan a stick of gum to get the taste out of his mouth. "Is the panic attack over?"

Chan nodded hesitantly, chewing his gum and staring at the floor so he wouldn't have to look at Soonyoung.

"Why were you watching that?"

Soonyoung sounded absolutely heartbroken, and it took every single bit of emotional and physical strength in Chan to hesitantly look up at him, regretting it as soon as he realized Soonyoung was crying. Soonyoung was crying, Chan had made Soonyoung cry.

"You know it's not real, right? They're just saying all of that to be shocking," Soonyoung said, his voice taking on a pleading tone. "No one's thinking that, Channie, you have to believe me."

Chan didn't say anything for a minute, taking his time to think things over before asking in a shaky voice. "How do you know?"

"What?"

Chan cleared his throat. "How do you know no one's thinking that?"

Soonyoung fell heavily onto the couch next to him. "Trust me," he said. "Anyone who actually thinks like that deserves to go to Hell."

Chan blinked. "I can't do the statement," Chan confessed, feeling like such a dumb loser. "I can't go there or talk there or, or-"

"You don't have to if you really don't want to," Soonyoung interrupted, patting Chan's hand comfortingly. "It's just that we know you would be disappointed in yourself if you didn't."

Chan hated how his eyes were welling up despite how much he was wishing them away. "You don't get it, none of you get it," he replied, pretending to lean his head on his hand so he could discreetly wipe his face. "I'm not- They didn't just beat me up, hyung. They ruined my life, I can’t just see them again and tell them they hurt me. And-" Chan broke off, barely able to get the words out. "They uploaded that _video_. Everyone's laughing at me and calling me gay. I thought, fucking hoped, maybe it was just all my fears, but, they really do think it was my fault. I could kill myself today and they would still be-" Soonyoung's eyes widened, and Chan jaw snapped shut, aware that he'd slipped up. He'd been so good at keeping his real feelings to himself so that no one would worry too much about him, and now he'd told Soonyoung himself.

"Are you considering killing yourself?" Soonyoung asked softly, voice barely audible.

Chan wanted to tell him. He wanted nothing more than to break down and confess that the only thing that helped when he couldn't feel anything other than a drowning sadness was to slash at the skin on his thighs and stomach until the sadness was fully replaced by burning pain. And the days when even that didn't help, he literally couldn't fathom continuing like that for forever. He knew they'd want to help but he still didn't want to admit it out loud. Chan hesitated, Soonyoung seemingly taking the silence as affirmation.

"I- Don't worry," he said quickly.

" _Don't worry? How am I not supposed to worry_?" Soonyoung sounded fairly distraught by the news. Chan wasn't sure why. He'd convinced himself for so long that this was a good thing, that they'd be happy without an always-present nuisance to watch after, that he couldn't understand why Soonyoung sounded so sad. "When did you start considering?"

Chan bit his lip. "Immediately after the thing happened, then when the video was posted, then when I started hallucinating, and then I kind of never stopped after that."

"That's a long time," Soonyoung muttered. "Do you have a, uh, a _less harmful_ way of coping?"

Soonyoung was doing his best to be delicate about the whole situation, Chan could tell. Except suicide wasn't exactly an easy topic to be delicate about. Chan sighed. "I cut and that helps sometimes," he admits despite everything inside of him screaming not to snitch on himself about his shameful habit. But it was better than having everyone under the stress that Chan was one bad breakdown away from ending everything.

Soonyoung's gaze immediately flickers from Chan's face down to the smooth skin on his exposed arms, confused. "I- On my stomach and my legs, not my arms," he explained, nervously fiddling with his fingers so as to not have to look at Soonyoung. "Is it- Am I stupid?" He laughed bitterly. "I gave myself more scars than they ever did."

"Of course you're not stupid," Soonyoung said, offering him a sad but warm smile. "Can I see? Just to make sure the cuts aren't too deep or infected."

Chan hesitated before slowly untucking and dragging his shirt up a few centimeters to reveal the many slashes littering the bottom part of his stomach. "That's a lot of cuts," Soonyoung observed, sounding suspiciously choked. He carefully stroked the angry, red lines striping his skin, glancing up at Chan to make sure he wasn't in pain. "How'd none of us notice?"

Chan shrugged with a forced nonchalance. If Soonyoung was this upset about what he'd done to his stomach, then under no circumstances could Soonyoung ever see the absolute destruction he'd done to his thighs and legs. "I- I tucked my shirt in all the time so it wouldn't ride up, and always wore pants, and only wore dark-colored clothes if anything was still bleeding. If it hurt a lot, I'd just stay in bed the whole day."

They fell silent as Soonyoung continued to inspect the scarred tissue. "We wanted you to be better instead of facing that you weren't getting better," Soonyoung suddenly said, pushing the heel of his palm into his eyes. "We knew you have PTSD, we knew you have anxiety, we knew you couldn't talk to your therapist, we fucking knew you scratched up your arms that one time, and we still didn't try to help. I'm so sorry, Chan-ah."

" _No_ ," Chan refused, alarmed by Soonyoung taking the blame for Chan's problems onto himself. " _No, it's my fault, hyung_ ," Chan pleaded. "I- Everything you just listed is _my_ fault."

Soonyoung stared at him before snickering wetly. "Why are either of us apologizing? It's those assholes fault, not ours." Chan didn't do this very often, usually content with just receiving affection, but reached over to quickly hug Soonyoung and whisper an apology. Soonyoung patted his hair then cleared his throat. "I don't know about you, but I'm not hungry."

Chan nodded in agreement, turning the TV on and scrolling through the channels instead of trying to salvage their lunch.

"Can I ask you something?" Soonyoung asked over the sound of the drama playing. He didn't wait for Chan to agree. "Why- Like, what do you feel before you decide to cut?" 

Chan sighed, staying focused on the TV so he wouldn't have to think about how disappointed Soonyoung must be in him right now. "Sometimes because I'm sad, sometimes because I'm panicking, sometimes I just want to hurt myself because- because I suck."

"You don't suck," Soonyoung said, horrified. "Why do you think you suck?"

Chan peeked at him, not quite sure if Soonyoung was being serious. He scoffed when he realized Soonyoung was, in fact, being totally serious. "I say and do dumb things all the time." Chan chuckled bitterly. "Jihoon-hyung hated me until I couldn't speak anymore. Those guys did everyone a favor destroying my vocal chords for a month."

"Jihoon didn't and doesn't hate you," Soonyoung denied vehemently. "He'd be so mad at you if he ever hears you say that."

"My little brother hates me," Chan continued like he hadn't heard him. " _I_ hate me."

Soonyoung sighed, seemingly giving up on changing Chan's mind, and left to the kitchen. "Here," Soonyoung said once he returned, handing him a microwaved cup of ramen with a slice of cheese and sausages on top. "I love you, even if you don't right now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just realized I never wrote in DN brushing his teeth after waking up, I swear he did 
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving guys! Stay safe <333


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// self-harm

Chan slammed the door shut, grappling with the lock on the door before giving up and making his way towards his nightstand instead. He rummaged through the contents of the nightstand, getting increasingly frustrated when he couldn't find the small knife he kept there. Chan'd ended up staying in Soonyoung's room for the past two days, but that didn't explain how a knife could just disappear. He needed to cut. More than anything right now, he needed some way to release the building anxiety he was feeling. He didn't know how he could deal with the possibility of seeing those men ever again.

Someone knocked lightly before hesitantly asking if he was okay.

Chan stalked to the door, pulling it open with a bang. "Where are they?" he asked, uncaring of who it was. "Where the fuck did you guys put them?"

"Put what?" Jun asked, voice tinged with confusion. Briefly, he considered the idea that Soonyoung hadn't told the others and gotten them to throw out all of his knives and blades, but, no. Jun was visibly nervous and looking to the left of Chan, not at Chan. "Your clothes, since we're supposed to have came here to shower and get dressed before your parents come to see you?"

"Hyung, please," Chan said, doing his best to appeal to Jun, even though it might have been a touch manipulative to try to act cuter to get the items he so desperately wanted. "I need them, so please?"   
"Need what?" Jun repeated, still resolutely staring to the left. "I really don't know what you're talking about."

"I hate you guys," Chan groaned in frustration, tears prickling his eyes as he shoved past Jun to the shared kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Jun called after his retreating back. "We're supposed to get changed then go back upstairs."

"Let him go, hyung," Seungkwan replied. "There's nothing in there for him to use."

It was a little bit frustrating that Seungkwan was talking to Jun about Chan instead of to Chan, but there wasn't much to do about it. Chan ignored both of them instead, heading straight for the set of kitchen knives that their kitchen was stocked with. Or at least supposed to be stocked with. They'd seemingly already gotten to them. The knives, scissors, and forks were missing with only spoons and chopsticks left. Chan glanced at the chopsticks, briefly considering attempting something with the chopsticks before thinking against it. Instead, he latched onto one of the many shot glasses lying around, quickly shattering it against the counter then dragging the largest shard he could see straight up the length of his arm. Normally he would've taken the time to hide the blade, then carefully slice at his stomach or legs but there was literally no point in trying to hide it anymore. Everyone knew. Plus, his arm was the easiest skin to access.

Chan gripped onto the counter, ignoring the small shards scratching his fingers, too focused on the feeling as his body let go of part of the stress and anxiety. He let his eyes flutter shut after a few seconds, sliding to the floor while focusing only on the blood dripping down his arm.

" _Oh my gosh_."

Chan didn't need to look up to see who it was. He could tell just from the horrified voice that it was Seungkwan. Jun stood next to him, mouth slightly agape. Chan figured it was inappropriate to find it kind of funny that Jun with his mouth open like that reminded him of that one painting of a scream. He couldn't help it though. Now that he felt released from all of the negative emotions, all of the normal, positive emotions started to flood in. It was addicting, even though the good feelings would only last for maybe a minute before the shame, hate, and embarrassment hit once more.

Jun finally shut his mouth, the horrified expression on his face quickly transforming into one of heartbroken sadness. "Channie, no," he mumbled before rushing to Chan's side and taking the glass shard out of Chan's hands. "Why'd you make such a big cut? There's _so much_ blood."

Chan shrugged. "I wanted to feel normal again."

" _Normal?"_ Jun spluttered. "How does doing _this_ make you feel normal?" Chan shrugged once more. He was honestly confused by his habit just as much as Jun was. "Seungkwan, stay with him and keep him from hurting himself again," Jun commanded as he left the room.

Seungkwan nodded, plopping onto the floor next to Chan. "You just really went at it, huh?" Seungkwan mumbled, voice a little weak sounding.

Chan poked at the fresh cut, relishing in the sharp waves of pain before turning to face Seungkwan. "Leave me alone already."

"That’s a little difficult to do," Seungkwan said. "You're kind of bleeding out on the kitchen floor and you just want me to leave you to d- to suffer?"

Chan could tell he'd been about to say die but had quickly changed his mind. He appreciated it. After all, he wasn't going to die. "I need to do this hyung. It helps."

Seungkwan shook his head. "I- Do what you need to to cope, of course, but- I mean, there's gotta be a better way."

Chan bit his cheek, considering Seungkwan's words. It was a pretty gruesome way to deal with everything, but- It was definitely better than letting the anxiety pile up since that actually felt like a slow, torturous death. Chan flinched at the sound of the door to their apartment slamming open, pulling at the cut to ground himself. Yeah, someone'd entered their apartment but it could've only been someone with a key so it must've been one of the members.

"What happened?" Seungcheol's panicked voice rang through the apartment. "Jun just texted me something about Chan, and cutting, and blood, and- and ambulances." Seungcheol rushed into the kitchen, trailing off when he caught sight of Chan's arm.

"I cut myself," Chan muttered, already hating himself more and more as the seconds passed by. He'd managed to get Seungcheol even more worried about him than he already was. "It's not really stopping but that's okay."

" _What?_ " Chan winced at Seungcheol's tone. Seungcheol had quite a few problems with anxiety already, and Chan must have made it worse for him.

" _Oh my fuc- What do you mean it's not stopping? Seungkwan, why are you just sitting there?_ "

"I don't know what to do," Seungkwan defended. "I don’t normally deal with blood."

Seungcheol crouched in front of Chan, grabbing onto Chan's arms a little too roughly to inspect them. " _Fuckfuckfuckfuck_ ," he muttered under his breath, the curse words seemingly being the only thing helping him figure out what to do. "Do we have a first-aid kit here?"

"I got it," Jun said, entering the kitchen with the first-aid kit in his hands and a guilty, apologetic expression on his face. He didn't want to "snitch" but it'd seemed necessary. Chan didn't blame him.

Seungcheol went through the contents of the kit, pulling out the roll of gauze from the pile of band-aids.   
"Wait, you have to clean it first with rubbing alcohol," Jun interrupted, pushing the small, brown bottle into Seungcheol's hands. "I'd do it but I don't want to hurt him."

Seungcheol snorted bitterly. "Do you think _I_ do?"

Chan stared down at his wrists, not quite wanting to look Seungcheol in the face and see the disappointment and sadness that was sure to be there.

Seungcheol pulled Chan to his feet and turned the tap on to rinse the blood off of his arm, frowning as the blood that was being washed off was quickly replaced with even more. "How deep did you cut?"

Chan swallowed. "Not that deep," he whispered, keeping his eyes firmly on the cut. 

"We might have to take him to the hospital," Seungcheol said to the other two. "Someone look up how long a cut bleeds before you need to get stitches. And," Seungcheol sighed, voice getting a little shaky. "Look up how to know if you cut a vein."

Jun inhaled sharply. "Isn't that- What do we do if he did… cut a vein?"

"We take him to the hospital," Seungcheol repeated, waiting with a nervous expression on his face as he waited for Jun to look up the necessary information.

"Let me see your arm," Jun said, repeatedly glancing between Chan's arm and his phone screen before finally sighing in relief. "I think we should be okay this time, as long as we wrap it up really tightly. But if it bleeds too much or Chan passes out, we have to take him to the ER."

Seungcheol sighed in relief as well, turning the water off and moving to grab paper towels before freezing and turning to Chan with an upset and angry look on his face. "What the hell were you thinking?" Chan stared back silently, a little bit terrified by how absolutely furious Seungcheol looked. He was suddenly taken back to when he'd first joined and Seungcheol always just seemed like the bigger, older person that would bully him without hesitation. Chan tried to back up only for Seungcheol to step closer.

"Hyung, maybe ask him after you bandage that," Seungkwan gently suggested.

"Shut up, Seungkwan," Seungcheol growled before turning his attention back to Chan. Chan tried to pull his wrist out of Seungcheol's grip, whimpering when Seungcheol tightened his grip on him. "What. Were. You. Thinking?" Chan blinked, head snapping to the side suddenly. He blinked once more, trying to figure out what'd happened before realizing that Seungcheol, one of the people he trusted the most in the world, had slapped him across the face.

"Hyung!" Jun protested, swiftly shoving him away from Chan and stepping in the middle in a defensive stance. Seungcheol stumbled, catching himself on the counter with a look of shock on his face. Like he couldn't believe that he'd done that himself. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Chan felt his cheek with shaking fingers, still a bit in disbelief at the stinging sensation. Not only was it stinging, but it was also hot to the touch, like someone'd set fire to half of his face. 

Seungcheol stared at Chan's face, seeming to need time to process what he'd just done. Seungcheol swallowed. "I'm so sorry, Channie," he pleaded in a shaky voice. Chan didn't know what he'd do if Seungcheol started crying because of him. " _Fuck_ , I was just so stressed, and I, I don't know why I- I'm so stressed, I'm sorry, _please_."

"It's okay," Chan mumbled, hating how watery his voice sounded. "I'm fine." Seungkwan was gingerly patting the cut dry with a clean, fresh paper towel. Chan was thankful that he'd wordlessly taken over without making a scene.

Seungcheol sniffled, and reached to poke Chan's cheek before changing his mind and dropping his hand. "Your cheek's so red, it must hurt."

"Not really," Chan said, forcing an air of utter nonchalance like Seungcheol slapping him hadn't hurt more than most things that had already happened to him. "I think I've been slapped harder than that for losing a game, so," he let his voice trail off in the hopes that Seungcheol would let it go.

Seungcheol let go, but a little too much. "I think I should leave," he said. "Text me if it doesn't stop bleeding and I'll take you guys to the ER."

"Channie? Are you okay?" Seungkwan asked cautiously. Somehow he'd managed to wrap Chan's arm in gauze and secure it tightly despite his previous claims of not knowing what to do. 

"He hit me," Chan said, voice getting a bit hysterical. 

"I know," Jun mumbled, pulling him into a tight hug. Seungkwan wordlessly observed before going to his room and returning with lotion-infused tissues. Jun grabbed a few and pressed them to his cheeks. "It'll be okay, Channie."

"I'm mad at him too," Seungkwan chimed in, plopping heavily on the floor next to him. "Let's put his stuff in jello or something."

Chan shook his head. "It was my fault, put my things in jello."

Seungkwan stared at him, a dumb expression on his face. "When other people hurt you, it’s not your fault."

Chan sighed and leaned into Jun's side instead of replying, letting himself use someone else for support, if only for a minute. "I want to shower," he finally said to break the awkward silence that'd formed.

"I'll leave some new bandages in the bathroom for you," Seungkwan offered, swiftly running off to find the promised fresh bandages.

Chan got up as well with Jun's help, and made his way to his room to find fresh clothes to wear. Chan located his biggest sweater for the purpose of hiding his gauze-wrapped arm, a little bit uncomfortable by Jun sitting on his bed to keep an eye on him. "You don't have to sit with me, Jun-hyung."

"I want to stay near my favorite," Jun said simply. Though he seemed to get that Chan was uncomfortable since he pulled out his phone and focused on it instead. "Are you excited to see your family?" 

Chan snorted bitterly. "I guess you could say I'm excited." He paused, turning to Jun suddenly. "Is my face red still?"

Jun bit his lip, studying Chan's face. "It's a little bit swollen," Jun said slowly. "But it's not really noticeable."

Chan sighed in relief, falling backwards onto the bed next to Jun. "Last thing I need is for my parents to think you guys are beating me up."

"I'll always beat you up," Jun said, playfully punching his thigh.

Chan kicked him before getting to his feet. "Can I shower by myself or are you going to follow me in there too?" 

Jun paused in his punches to think over Chan's question. "I'll stay out here," he finally decided. "You can call me if you need help with changing the bandages or feel like hurting yourself again."

"Thanks, hyung," Chan said, grabbing a change of clothes and making his way to the bathroom. Of course he wasn't going to tell Jun that he was 100% going to cut once more since the whole thing with Seungcheol had him even more tense than he'd been before. He stayed in there with the water running for an extra five minutes as he carefully dragged a tiny shard of glass from earlier across the skin of his thighs, only getting out of the shower when Seungkwan knocked on the door and yelled at him to hurry up.

"Are you okay?" Jun asked once he emerged from the bathroom. Chan glanced down discreetly, breathing out a sigh of relief once he'd confirmed that he hadn't forgotten to bandage the new cuts on his thigh. "You look a little, um, unsteady."

Chan stared at him, realizing that his vision was in fact, a bit shaky. "I'm okay," he said.

"You might have lost too much blood," Jun said slowly. "Come eat something sweet and sit down for a few minutes."

Chan grimaced at the thought of food. "I'll do it when we go up."

Jun ended up forcing a cookie and a small bowl of ice cream on him while they watched TV while waiting for Seungkwan. Seungkwan finally got out of the shower, got dressed, and came out.

"Let's go up?" Seungkwan suggested. Jun nodded and dragged Chan along with them up to the other dorm, dropping him off next to Mingyu to help in the kitchen. Chan wanted to find Seungcheol, maybe apologize, but he was nowhere to be found.

Jun and Jeonghan were whispering in the corner and Chan could only imagine what about. Every so often, Jeonghan would nod and glance in Chan's direction, a concerned look on his face. After a minute or so of this, Jeonghan motioned to Chan to come over, wrapping him in a hug once he'd trudged over.

"Are you okay?" Jeonghan whispered in his ear. "Tell me if anything hurts."

Chan's face and wrist were still throbbing but there was no way he was going to tell Jeonghan that. "I'm fine right now, hyung," he said reassuringly. 

"As long as you're sure," Jeonghan allowed, letting go of Chan. "Also, you look extremely tired, go take a na- Actually, I want to take a nap too, let's _both_ take a nap."

"Later," Chan said, watching as Jeonghan retreated to take his promised nap. Chan went to hang out with Seokmin and Seungkwan instead of sleeping to wait for their families to come.

Chan could see the exact moment his mother caught sight of him, her eyes widening as she excitedly tapped his dad's arm and pointed to him.   
"Hi," he greeted, giving the both of them a quick hug. His arm stung with each unnecessary movement, but he still wanted to at least greet his parents before they left again and he wouldn't see them for another few months. "How are you?"

His mother pursed her lips as she stared at his face. Chan shifted uncomfortably, fairly sure that she was going to ask why half his face was so red. "Are you eating?" she asked instead, rubbing his cheek. "So thin."

"I'm eating a lot," Chan promised, pulling away so his mother wouldn't feel how thin and bony his cheeks were.

His dad cleared his throat. Clearly, if Chan knew his parents, there'd been some discussion beforehand on what was and wasn't acceptable conversation topics. And Chan's gaunt and depressed appearance didn't seem to have made the list. "Why don't you go say hi to Gun? He misses you," his dad said, helpfully pointing him towards his little brother's direction. Chan found him talking about something excitedly with Hansol, grinning and laughing. He doesn't ever look that happy when talking to you, Chan reminded himself. He walked over despite the harsh thoughts, perching on the couch next to Hansol. 

"Channie!" Hansol exclaimed, seemingly genuinely excited to see him. "You're here!"

"Yeah, he is," Gun muttered, looking away. He glanced up at Chan only to stare at him for a few seconds before asking: "What happened to your face?"

Chan frowned. "What happened to yours?" He hadn't seen from far away, but now that he was closer, he could clearly make out a poorly concealed, swollen bruise on his little brother's eye.

"I asked first," he said smarmily.

Chan rolled his eyes. He'd almost _almost_ forgotten how annoying the other could be. "I tripped and hit my face. Now, what happened to your face?"

"I also tripped and hit my face," his brother said.

Chan sighed in frustration and turned to Hansol who just shrugged.

"He got into a fight at school over some girl since he's so stupid," his mother interrupted. She presented him with a plate piled with food which Chan took with a grateful smile even though it was way too much food for any one person to consume. "Don’t worry about it."

Chan didn't think too much about it, not while he picked at his food, not while he showered or changed the bandages wrapped around his arm, and not even when he stared at the ceiling, silently berating himself for stressing everyone out instead. He'd only remembered after he'd gone to Wonwoo's room, way too hopped up on whatever he was feeling to even consider sleep.

He found Soonyoung and Jihoon in Wonwoo's room, in the middle of a heated argument, both of them cutting themselves off as soon as Chan'd entered the room. Jihoon turned away from the two of them with a huff.

He moved to leave, stopping to quickly put an arm around Chan's shoulders in what he guessed was supposed to be a hug. "What's wrong, hyung?"

Jihoon just shook his head at the question. "Do you want to sleep with me instead of these two assholes?"

Chan looked to the other two who were vehemently avoiding eye contact with Jihoon and Chan. How suspicious. "I'm not going to sleep for a couple of hours, but what's wrong?" 

"Nothing's wrong, Channie," Jihoon said, voice filled with venom towards the others. "Maybe one day, I'll be _allowed_ to let you know." Chan raised an eyebrow at the words, figuring that Jihoon's anger stemmed maybe from feeling like he wasn't allowed to do whatever it was he wanted to do. Jihoon patted his shoulder in goodbye as he left with a final statement that his offer for Chan to stay with him was still open if he wanted.

Soonyoung sighed before tossing a controller at Chan who caught it with both hands. "Wanna play Smash with us?"

He'd been mindlessly playing with the other two, not quite paying attention to their conversation when he heard his brother's name. Chan sat up suddenly. "What happened to him?"

Soonyoung and Wonwoo glanced at each other, Wonwoo breaking eye contact to lean over and punch Soonyoung's arm, _hard_. "Nothing happened," Wonwoo said quickly. Chan didn't believe him.

"Hyung, _please_ ," Chan said, pouting up at them, fully aware they were weak. "I'm so worried for him."

Soonyoung hesitated before getting up to perch on the bed next to Chan, Chan's eyes following him the whole time. "Somebody at his school said some rude things about us and he decided to fight them," Soonyoung admitted slowly.

"It's not a big deal, Channie," Wonwoo chimed in. "There's always someone saying something rude about us, he just happened to be there to defend our honor."

"Was it about me?" Chan asked. He could kind of already tell from how shifty and suspicious everyone was acting about the whole situation. He just wanted to confirm. "The rude stuff."

Wonwoo and Soonyoung shared another glance, this time much longer as they seemingly telepathically argued about what to say. "I cannot confirm or deny," Soonyoung finally said.

Chan deflated, falling backwards onto the bed. Soonyoung followed his example, rolling onto his side so he could watch Chan's reactions. "So it was about me."

"Are you upset?" Soonyoung asked hesitantly. "Upset enough to, you know?"

Chan contemplated the question. "Is that what you and Jihoon-hyung were arguing about?"  
Soonyoung made a face. So Chan'd been wrong in his guess, maybe partially correct. "Something along those lines, sure."

Wonwoo turned in his chair, letting his player on the screen get instantly shot dead. "Could we see your cut from today? Hyung told us it was really bad."

Chan looked at Soonyoung to gauge his reaction. He'd been hoping that Soonyoung, at least, would tell the others to back off, but no. If anything, Soonyoung looked even more curious than Wonwoo. Chan pulled his sleeve up with a sigh, hating the way both of their stares turned from curious to sad and upset. 

"That's a really long cut," Wonwoo observed after an awkward minute of studying the gauze covering his arm. "Why'd you cut up? Never cut in that direction, _please_."

"Why'd you even cut?" Soonyoung asked, voice genuinely confused. "You were fine right before you went down."

"I wasn't fine," Chan mumbled. He didn't like this conversation. It was too much to just casually admit aloud.

Soonyoung glared at him. "Why didn't you say something then? Chan, we can't always tell what's going through your head."

"How the hell could you not tell that I'd be anxious about having to go to the trial?" Chan shouted back, hating himself for yelling at people who were just concerned. But he was starting to get annoyed by how everyone was treating him like an abused puppy or an overemotional, moody teenager that was depressed for the sake of being depressed. "I've been anxious about it all month, and none of you fucking care, and just want me to go to it and get my 'closure' whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean, and, and-" Chan cut himself off, suddenly hit by shame and self-hate. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell," he apologized quickly.

Soonyoung patted his hand. "Don't apologize for your feelings," he reprimanded gently. 

"Yeah, this is good," Wonwoo chimed in in agreement. "Tell us what you're feeling, we can help. Probably."

Chan stared between the two, internally debating on asking the question that he'd been wanting to ask for a while now. "I don't want to go. Why are you guys making me go?"

Soonyoung sighed. "Everyone thinks you'll feel better. Plus, you before everything happened would hate yourself if you didn't go and show those jerks that you're doing well." 

"I'm _not_ doing well," Chan pointed out. "I want to di- I'm hurting myself and have depression."

"Yeah, but you're alive," Wonwoo said softly, moving to sit in between Chan and Soonyoung. "You're alive still and I'm so fucking grateful that you're still alive- all four of you. We all really thought we'd lost all four of you forever."

Chan didn't have the heart to tell him that the old version of him really had been lost by that point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH im back after almost 4 months lol thx to everyone who waited <333 unfortunately, i'll probably only update every once in a while until June at least since Im extremely busy until then... Hopefully u guys enjoyed this ch even though i rushed it and didn't really have a chance to revise and edit, will fix its problems later tho

**Author's Note:**

> Leave kudos/comments if you enjoyed <333  
> Suggestions always welcome :)
> 
> Also,   
> Need to talk to someone about your mental health issues but can't talk to people you know? Click the link to talk to someone 100% anonymously and judgement-free :)   
> https://www.7cups.com/110797189


End file.
